Time for a long post

Again, lots happened since I last posted. I'll start with the negative. Kristin Wood's passing was a very confusing, saddening time. Finding out that your friend is in a coma is really weird, especially when you have a lot going on already and haven't seen her in months. When we got the call driving back from Pat's wedding we had to pull off the interstate and re-group and then spent the night trying to realize what the news might mean. We both did a little research online and felt that we needed to keep moving forward with school and such because it could be a long road to recovery at best. I was under the impression that it was a very serious situation, but that the coma might last anywhere from days to months, to years. I went from skeptical to hopeful over night and so when we got Lindsay's call Monday night saying that she didn't make it, it was very surreal. Short spurts of crying in between calling friends to inform them, did not do any justice to the feelings that we were facing. Having to go through the week of school, including Liz's big 4/5 concert, really suppressed a lot of emotions. We had Kristin's family and friends in our hearts and minds all week, but knew that once we were together with everyone for the funeral and such that it might then finally sink in. It was a distant week. As we predicted, coming together with everyone finally did make it more real and the sobs were finally let free at the visitation that night, when we realized after over an hour of standing in line at the funeral home that it was an open casket. I'm thankful that it was, in that I was able to come to a reality with it and a concrete realization that she is in fact gone. It's indescribable to see a friend lying peacefully in a casket many years too early. I'm deeply saddened that someone so young and so able to affect lives was taken from us, as she was only beginning her career as a wonderfully caring music educator. The funeral was very touching, including her brother speaking of her ability to treat all people as she did all music: EQUAL. Following his heatfelt, teary speech a choir sang and that is probably when I felt the most pain, sobbing as Tim Baumann offered his support next to me. Lauren said it best when she said, "I just want to scream". Losing Kristin does make me feel some anger. Not the revengeful kind of anger, but just a major feeling of injustice. Friday night at her visitation her family and closest friends had already been mourning all week and so when her college friends from further away were first allowing themselves to grieve it was an uncomfortable feeling trying to offer our condolences. Her father was very sweet in trying to console us, even through his pain, by sharing with us that through her musical talent he was inspired and started a barbershop quartet 11 years ago. The group also sang at the funeral and it was very special. Music brought all of us together (as it did with Branden years ago) and it reminds me just how special it is to be a part of the greater musical family. this is something that I hope to always share with my students, any age, forever. Being that Black River Falls is on our frequent drive home from Madison, I look forward to stopping by to see Kristin's gravesite a number of times throughout the year. RIP Kristin, I'm a better person for knowing you and laughing with you.

School is going pretty good. Kids got me lots of sweets for Christmas and that always feels good. I am finding less drive than I would like in just sitting down and forcing myself to plan the rest of the year, conceptually. Even more specifically, I have to force myself to plan for each upcoming lesson. It's not reflective of my interest or passion for teaching music, or even my love for these kids, but more so that I have never taught elementary or ever done this much planning in an area that I am less knowledgable in repertoire, strategies, games, activitites, etc. It would be overwhelming if I let that really bother me. I just give all my attention to what I can do, when I can do it. I love my students with all my heart and they are being wonderful teachers to me. I pride myself on my ability to build a relationship with them and that keeps me moving every day and gets me the necessary drive to do what planning I need to do. We're getting a lot more done than they were with a non-music teacher, AND we ARE having a lot of FUN doing it. Recorder $ is in (well, less than half turned it in, but that was expected and we have reserves) and I'm excited to start doing something more up my alley. Other people cringe at the thought of teaching 20+ 4/5 at a time to play the recorder, but it makes me giddy! I have a long list of things to still do before break ends (posters, cleaning, emails, lesson planning, concert scheduling), but I will feel really good once I feel ready to tackle the second half of the year. Liz and I were just saying how blessed we feel to be learning so much about diversity, culture, and low income in schools and how this will really aide in our upcoming job searches!

What else? Pat and Erin got married. December wedding is not something I would do, but they were perfect for it. It was sort of a magical time to get married, especially after he proposed in December. They've been dating so long (close to 8 years?) and I can't wait for them to start a family. Especially after seeing the joy that it has brought to Dan and Christa! Spending so much time with Morgan throughout the wedding and holidays was such a treat. I'm equally excited for Becky and Rick to start a family together!! He proposed Thursday 12/17/09 and even though we were down from Kristin's passing, I had tears of joy after Becky's "He put a ring on it" picture text! Her voice was trembling with excitement when we called her immediately and I cannot express how estatic I am for her to have found someone who loves her as much as Liz and I do. We knew it was coming, helped pick out the ring for Pete's sake, but it still surprised me how exciting the engagement has been. They are truly a natural couple and therefore I enjoy my time spent with them, equally as my time spent in our triplet trio. Way to fit right in Rick! His parents gave her a free fricken car and she graduated so she's lethally happy right now... :)

It was the longest length of time I've spent in Menomonie, probably since my surgery, over Christmas. It many ways it was really good. I got to spend some quality time with Scott and Shannon, shedding some light on their growing personalities, talents, and interests. I never realized how artistic they are! I gave them some of my charcoal and we shopped at Penco for some supplies and spent an afternoon drawing together. It was really special. The time spent in Menomonie was following a 2 days stint in Chicago/Madison with Josh (which was fun for me-I miss hanging out and laughing like goofy!) so there was some tension knowing that Liz had a lot on her mind (plus, we slid into another car at the gas station filling up before our 4 hours trek up North because it was slippery). I guess I reached a point where I was feeling so alone in being a listener and sympathizer to Liz and broke down trying to quickly express to mom that things needed to be addressed without anyone else hearing me. After seeing that I was in some pain she did promised we would and so through break there were several lengthy conversations, thankfully one with all parties (mom, dad, Liz, and me). I'm feeling a lot better knowing that I'm not the only one who cares about the feelings that Liz has been processing for the past few months (and Becky, who is in better mental health than ever so it was hard to bring her into things more often). It was uncomfortable, but necessary and it's not all over. Liz wrote in her blog about what is happening so you could just read more there, but I just wanted our family to know she wasn't being dramatic and it was important and that message was finally conveyed. I sense that Liz feels a lot better just knowing that and so there is a major sense of relief that follows. Love you Liz-it's going to be alllllllllll better some day soon. I'll continue to be here for you.

I cannot wait for 2010 to say goodbye to 2009. Thinking back on 2009 isn't all negative, but shit, mostly. Starting out with ending my wonderful student teaching placement, a family loss in January, being sick most of my February 5bD tour, not having any luck subbing, borrowing from Becky, going back to Holiday (and DT), having the most difficult job search (mind blow!), moving to Madison only to have a hard start to subbing here, borrowing even more money from Liz, having the crappiest car, Liz having a hard time, Kristin passing, car accident...I think we can end there. On the positive: Lindsay and Nathan's wedding! Morgan's birth! Lots of sega! Lydo and Meg-O's wedding! Tim and Christine's wedding! SAI National Convention. BMB shows!! Finally getting a job! Pat and Erin getting married! Becky and Rick's engagement! Becky's graduation!! Holding Liz's hair back in the Brother's bathroom...priceless.

NY Resolutions:
*Stay positive about the direction my career takes me
*Get caught up on money (standard)
*Lose min. 20 lbs (very standard resolution for me;) ) i.e.-workout/less cheesy taco pizza bites
*Visit friends as much as I expect them to visit me
*Wear jewelry/nice clothes
*Read more
*Send more cards to loved ones!
*Be more health conscious, aside from weight.
*Do not stress about what might be hard the future (wait and see!)

Peace out 2009. I'm gonna party in EC and then never look back unless it's to apply a lesson to a more positive future!

Sable=cursed but sold

Welp, sold the cahhr. I called around a few places to fix the brake line and it would have cost at least $200 so I was frustrated and put it on craigslist as is. A guy called me right away for his daughter and came out last night. He talked us down from $500 to $375, but considering the repairs and tow will be around $300 he is going to end up paying far more than it's worth, which is probably only $50-150. It sucks that it's so crappy and we had to put in over $1000 last year to get it this far, but at least it's gone and I can move on to a new car. I need to find a place that will sell me a car with bad credit and with little or no down payment. We'll see how it goes.
School is going well. I'm starting to get in a groove and the kids are great. I have a few stinkers that I'm sure I'll get figured out sooner than later. We're doing this Leopold Idol thing where every time the class get five or less "talk tallies" for 4 weeks then they're next class gets to be a competition between whoever signs up to sign, dance, play, etc. They are super excited about it and there is already a significan difference in their behavior. Two girls made flyers and put them around the school! haha. Then 3 little black boys stopped in at lunch yesterday to help decorate the L.I. bullitan board instead of having their first recess in the snow! They were so sweet about it.
I enjoy working with the other music teacher, Cindy, although she's really long-winded and teaches a lot more out of the book than she admits. She keeps coming in a seeing my "props" and stuff and I don't know what she really thinks. I'm doing a lot of cool things, thanks to Liz and Owatonna, but it's like people would prefer that we just taught the boring old stuff so that they didn't have to feel guilty. The hispanic classes are very interesting to me. They are respectful and easier to handle, but are so much more excitable that their hyperness and giggling are starting to hold us back. It's more likely a language barrier and nervous reaction to my directions/sillyness. I'm able to email teachers and take care of things right away so it should get better if their teachers help me out a little bit. Recorder orders in the next few weeks...can't wait.
I'm nervous about money, something that I'm sick of feeling. My last paycheck was supposed to be $1300 from subbing, but they took $100 out for union dues, which really ticks me off. What if I wasn't a sub and wouldn't have gotten paid until Jan? They wouldn't have been able to take money from nothing so I called and they are going to call me back (fingers crossed). I got hired on Nov. 19th and the check was for dates through the 15th so I don't think it's fair that they did that. I need every penny. The lady kept saying that it's for the month, because I was hired for the end of Nov. but still, like I said, what if they had nothing to take it out of??? They can take $200 out of Jan. for all I care, but I needed that extra $100 badly. Between rent and bills and paying Liz $200 of what I owe her (the minimum we agreed on and she deserves) I don't have much money left. Even with the money from the Sable I don't know how I'm going to pay for a new car down-payment if they want me to pay more than $150-200. I have no idea. It sucks. I keep saying "next paycheck I'll be fine" and then I just can't keep up. Hopefully in January some truth will come to this...
Dad's in Sauk to pick up a new van so the weekend just got a little more interesting! More later.

Finally, teachin' kids.

So I know I went off of more than one major tangent the other day, but will write a much more positive (and informative) post. Monday I interviewed and they told me that they would let me know by the following Monday. Thank god it didn't take that long. I know they had at least one more interview on Tuesday morning, but by that afternoon I had a text from Dasher saying that he had gotten a reference call and gave me a "glowing reference" (love him) and that he thought that I would get the job. I also had a page to call a 608 number, which when I called was the assistant principal. She pretty much said, "Oh yeah, we'd like to offer you the position" and that was it. I accepted right away, but was trying to sort of ask, "what now?". The only answer I got from her was to ask HR and HR just said they'd mail me a packet about everything so...Also they originally entered my start date as Dec. 2nd, but since I am already a district employee and subbing there every day they realized that wasn't fair so it was bumped up immediately to today (Thursday). I have no idea what's going on in terms of benefits, contracts, computer log-in info, phone number, etc. But whatever I need will come so I'm not stressed at all. I got a key to my room from Cindy, the other music teacher, so that's all I really need at this point. I log into the computer as a sub still so I have internet...
Things haven't changed too much yet in terms of the material I'm teaching. I started out not knowing if I was permanent so I was doing generic sub plans and with the way elementary works I just kept doing them through the week so that every class did the same thing. Next week is a short week so I guess I'll just do something Thanksgiving stuff. The following week I really want to start over. I need to learn names, establish rules, and maintain some routines. Lucky for me, most kids are just so excited to have a real music teacher that they already really like me, especially the Hispanic kids. They really took a liking fast and that's surprising considering I don't speak Spanish.
Leopold has a similar socio-economic breakdown to Falk, but it is much larger (about 680 students as opposed to most schools being 300 or so) and has a lower percentage of black students. I think in general it's about 30% white 30% black 30% hispanic and 10% asain. There are whole classes in each grade level that are taught only in Spanish, except for art, music, and phy ed. Interesting. I have a list of common phrases ("sit down") and I'm going to learn as fast as I can. I am already finding myself trying to use it wherever I can. It's cute. And though there is a language barrier, the students are very respectful. In the other classes it can be really hit or miss. It's no worse than Falk and from what time I spent there, it actually seems a little better. My Thursday/Friday classes are notably more difficult (sorry, but also notably more black).
Like I said, the kids are generally all very excited to have me there. One girl said she didn't like me because I called her bluff on her spot on the seating chart, but whatever. Her anger can't be my problem all the time. Lots of kids light up when they come to the door and say things like, "yes!! you're here!" and "Mrs. so and so, I love our music teacher!". It feels SOO good and makes me feel reassured about teaching elementary for the year. I am not planning on teaching here past the year, but there is a lot I can take from it and a lot of fun to be had!
Tomorrow, and possibly over the weekend, I get to spend lots of time making my room MY room and I am in desperate need of some posters. It's hard not to want to do everything Liz's way, but she's so confident and convincing (like I am with band) so I trust that her ideas are solid ideas. I want to start from scratch with kodaly with them, but don't want to make the other teacher feel awkward because she doesn't really address solfege and stuff. So I'd like to throw some hand signs up, some motivational/musical posters, some expectations, etc. But it's going to take some time to put everything together, especially because my handwriting sucks and I'll need to do a lot of print, cut, paste.
So anyways, there's a lot to do, but like I said, I don't feel stressed at all. My head feels more clear than it has in a long time. All of the other teachers have been really nice and coming down just to introduce themselves and so I know I have lots of people to go to, especially if the school isn't going to really give me any directions. It's nice because there aren't sky-high expectations, but there is a lot of excitement to have the position filled so I feel almost like a local celebrity at school (2 months open after 2 years of long-term subs?). One kid who guess that I played tuba because "tuba rocks" said after one day that I'm the best music teacher he ever had. Two reactions to that: SAD and SWEET. Glad to have it a little easy in terms of earning their trust, but disheartened to hear that their school has had a history with not fulfilling their end of the music education portion. Imagine if he had Liz for a day.
I'll write more soon I'm sure, now that I have things to update about...

More later.

After I got a year's worth of frustration and depression (ie. PMS) out yesterday I had a great day. Teachin' bum bum bah...then at the end of the day-the call. I am now the music teacher at Aldo Leopold Elementary school in Madison. I even called Dr. Murphy...
Details later.

Must be PMS

I have cried so much today. Stuff at home, plus I hear that Ellen Melcher isn't doing so well.

I'm sitting here trying to distract myself, or motivate myself to work out or something. Liz was plunking songs out at the piano and now listening to the CD of her concert song "Through the eyes of a child" and I am just overly emotional. It's taking me everything to not walk out and make her stop. But I know it's a beautiful thing. I want to be excited about my concerts. I want to program beautiful music. I want to change kids lives...so I keep crying. It's bittersweet. I'm happy to see her so excited, especially after the rough start to the year. But I'm jealous. Not in a mean way, but my heart is breaking a little. She keeps yelling to come in and sing with her and has no idea I'm not saying no because I'm lazy, but because it hurts.

Frustrated?

I don't know why, but since I left my interview this morning I've felt really frustrated. Well, actually since we watched "The Ugly Truth" last night. First off, the movie. It's a chick flick and apparently Gerard Butler or whatever is the new Mathew Mcconaughey or something where the guy is total ass the whole time and doesn't believe in love, blah blah. Then the lovable prude wins his heart. Fucking A. Alright. I love ALL chick flicks and this was not a bad movie. There were a lot of funny parts, but I felt like the whole time the movie was mocking me. Like...oh haha it's hard for beautiful rich people to fall in love and men only care about sex and hot girls and haha isn't that great? It's shitty that this movie on one hand is totally based off of something that is not reality(everyone's is beautiful and well-spoken) AND on the other hand it's shitty that it may actually be THE UGLY TRUTH that even less fortunate people's relationships do follow these formulas. Guys want tits 'n ass, girls decides to get better bra and wins date? Drop 50 lbs and I wouldn't be single? Frustrating, but probably TRUE. I like Katherine Heigel, but...I just felt pretty pissed off last night as I was trying to fall asleep. Like, how does anyone in this F-ing world stand a chance.
SECOND. Education. I worked my damn ASS off (actually it's still there, adding extra frustration from my first point) to be one of the best frickin band directors that I could be. I love it. I live for it. And I'm extremely disappointed that I can't be on the path I deserve to be on. Just typing that made tears pop out of eyes so fast that they hit the screen. I'm pissed. I'm really really pissed. I'm reflective and so a lot of times I try to reason with things. Everything happens for a reason, maybe I could work on this instead, it'll happen soon, etc. But when it comes down to it, I'm just plain old fucking mad. Why does the economy have to blow right now? Why do I have to care so much? Why can't I put my knowledge and passion to good use. My interview went pretty good, but I JUST DON'T KNOW! I'm so fucking sick of that. I feel really screwed either way. They aren't going to tell me until Monday. Thanks. Then your kids will have had 2 months without music essentially. I don't want to have to feel guilty for not being what they want. I want to teach BAND. A good band program. I deserve that. Again I am REALLY PISSED OFF. I've spent all summer and fall "trying to make the best of it" and it's just not FAIR. I guess that's the "ugly truth" about the world of education. The people who give a shit are far and few in between and aren't in any position to help.
You know, you try to take control of the situation and make progress towards your goals either way (subbing, moving to madison, interviewing for Leopold), but it doesn't fill the MAJOR void. I have been distracted more since starting to sub so much that I buried some of these feelings back down and as I drove home from school I just felt everything boiling back up. I just hate having to wonder "why me?" about so many things in my life. Money, love, weight, and the one thing that I REALLY work to control-my success as an educator. F-U world. I hope you young music major are prepared for this shit. Because if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. I didn't expect to land the dream job upon graduation, but I worked hard to at least be an outstanding candidate for all band jobs and should be in one of those positions. NOT subbing. Not teaching elementary music, though if it is where this shithole luck leads me then I will do the very best that I can do (which is frickin good). It's not that secondary is better than elementary that is far from how I feel. It's that it's not what I'm meant to do. Other people, like Liz, are meant to and by the way, we could use more Liz's.
If this school doesn't hire me, then fine. Depending on who else they choose.....their loss. If their better, good, then I only wanted what's best for the kids. If they keep it open longer then they're sending a clear message about how unimportant music is to their school regardless of how many positions they had to fill this year or how bad their luck has been in interviews, etc.
Time to go dry my tears and get some crap done. Sorry.

I can show you the world...

Liz and I watched Aladdin last night while drinking with just the two of us. It was really fun. Truly, a new hobby. I realize that I haven't written since before convention and I'm sorry. Every time I get the energy to write, Liz writes a novel that already shares any half meaningful information about my life. Having a blog right now (as opposed to when I was younger), really highlights the fact that my life is going in directions that I never saw coming and is, in general, quite boring.
Convention was fun. We had a bunch of people staying here and I love to play host. It did however get old by the time the last people rolled out Sunday from Halloween. I can't believe how much convention costs when it's really not that impressive. I hope I can be one of the presenters some day. I went to only 2 sessions that I liked and did get to see some awesome concerts so I guess I won't complain. I went to a session on the drumset in big band charts. I was only one of like 15-20 people there and the only EC person. That's sort of disappointing. A lot of times in college (and now) I felt like the only person who wanted to teach secondary that realizes that a good teacher presents all genres of music equally. I am lucky to have strong interests in marching and jazz, but then small groups and other things should be available too. I feel like there aren't as many people graduating from UWEC that want to teach high school band, and those that are coming out aren't taking jazz band seriously. I was always bothered by people that say they want to teach high school and graduate and then get a job and they NEVER joined a jazz band. Especially if you went to UWEC, you are WASTING a major learning experience and REALLY letting your future students down. Rant. that being said, I also went to a session on swinging and such by the Sun Prairie jazz ensemble and I was really impressed, motivated, and driven to be like their band director. I liked how "real" he was with them. He had VERY high expectations, but was fun. Kids will want to meet your expectations if they trust your vision and learn to love challenges. I later watched their wind ensemble and was equally impressed by both the students and director. Knowing that they have a strong marching program, seeing their awesome jazz band, and then hearing their top-notch wind ensemble really reinforces my dreams and ideals that you CAN HAVE IT ALL. Can't wait to teach high school...

HOWEVER, that dream has certainly been derailed for this year hasn't it? I have even more news to share. I was unable to find a secondary band position for this year right? So I figured if I am going to sub, I might as well try a large district to stay busier and gain much needed experience in culture and diversity. It was a GREAT move. I have been staying busy every day, teaching music, and getting paid notably more. ($141 a day!). The only weird part is that I have been teaching mostly elementary and not only that, but the teachers were getting so comfortable having me that they we having me do my own lesson plans half the time. So in the back of my mind I've been sort of thinking, "What's the difference if I'm teaching an elem position or subbing for them every day? At least I'd know where I was going every day and I could learn the kids name, which helps classroom management." Back in early September, Julie Palkowski MMSD fine arts coordinator called me to interview for the .9 position that was open at Leopold. I thought about it and turned it down so that I could leave my schedule open to at least sub and help bands whenever I could. This was before I realized how much elementary music I would be doing. I accepted a sub position as soon as I saw it for Leopold last week because I was curious to see if they ever filled the position and MAYBE if I would like the school and other music teacher enough to call Julie back and see if I could change my mind a month and a half later on the interview.
They have been having a NON-MUSIC teacher there all year. It's mid-November! Now this teacher has also accepted a morning position as reading specialist so they have been hiring different short-term subs every morning and having her in the afternoons. That is just plain ridiculous. Especially because I know they have interviewed lots of people, including Tiller and K-Wood. I feel that having the kids basically not have a music teaching is extremely unfair and the kids deserve someone who will at least advocate for their needs and teach them SOME MUSIC. SO...I called Julie and we set up an interview for Monday morning and I'm already booked to sub there Tuesday-Friday full days. She likes Liz a lot and the fact that they called me before and I didn't even apply, makes me feel confident. Also that I already live here and have been to the school and subbed for some classes after which 2 SEA's went directly to the principal's office and told him to hire me. Knowing that my friends have interviewed and not-gotten it (for NO good reason, it's unknown I guess) makes me a little less confident. So we'll see. I'll update tomorrow after my interview or whenever they call me to let me know. They can't avoid me if I'm going to be IN their school all week.

To sort of backtrack, Halloween was a lot of fun. Had way too much to drink and feel sort of embarassed, but that's me so....whatever. The costumes were really fun and the only person I'm upset about not seeing was Yakkers. Don't act all excited on facebook for weeks and then not make a notable effort to see us dude! Makes us feel pathetic. Speaking of pathetic, I feel really single lately and that is never fun. Even watching Disney movies makes me jealous. I guess I just hoped that since my career wasn't moving in the direction I wanted this year that other aspects of my life just might. Apparently not. It sucks being 24 years old and wondering how many people question your sexuality or your effort or your personality even. I don't think I'm...well,I am picky, but it's subconscious. I just don't meet someone and evaulate their datability. That is starting to change here in Madison I guess though. I'm meeting more people than I am seeing people I already know so I'm finding myself being like, oh they're cute, let's find out what they think about education....then it fails when someone prettier lights up some other part of the room. I want I want I want...please?
Gonna go eat some foooooooooood. It's a nice lazy Saturday for us. Yesterday we only had to work the Badger game and today we NEED to work out, but otherwise it's TLC, chili, and the Biggest Loser Game on king.com. I'll try to write more. Comment to motivate the likelihood.

Bad Theresa

I never write. My most insincere apologies...
Homecoming was really fun on my end. I miss hanging out with Fat Z especially and so when we get together and get crazy it is absolutely awesome. Lots of alcohol, windburn, and walking led to my cold getting worse. Monday I didn't have a voice at all which made teaching and singing hard for that Monday at Huegel. Sidenote-I hate how it underlines "didn't" as if it's spelled wrong. It's a common contraction, am I right?
So anyways, I took Tuesday off to recuperate and my voice came back, but now I've had thing nagging cough for days. The kind where you cough til you either gag or have a near pee experience. Sucks. It's just a tickle and it's so frustrating. Def not the swine flu...I don't have insurance right now so I can't get it. ;) Subbed Wed-Fri all half days for general music/band. I already know my schedule for this week, too. I have a 3 day assignment at Kennedy Elem for music and then convention THEN HALLOWEEN. I'm so looking forward to it. We've never done the Halloween in Madison State Street thing, unless you count driving by it one year after we ate Rocky Roccoco's, Perkins, and Perkin's pie all in one night with Errin and Ethan back in the day...saw a guy streaking and that was about it. I think I might pull out the old lunch lady idea again, but I'm not saying anything for sure yet. I just hate how every grown female decides to either be a slutty nurse or a naughty kitty. Really ladies?
I just lounged today and Mary Neff came over, too. We went to eat at the Fireside last night with her parents and it was nice so we spent another day together, too. I did an entire 500 piece Norman Rockwell puzzle today. The one with the teacher standing in front of the chalkboard with happy birthday written everywhere...now THAT'S what I call a productive Saturday.
Looking forward to everyone coming here this week for convention and then for those coming for the weekend as well. It will be nice to play host in our new apartment and catch up on some good educational discussions. Liz and I talk a lot about ed stuff, but it'll be nice to talk to other people. I hope the convention itself isn't lame and I'm really looking forward to hearing Jazz I and the honor bands!! It's been too long!
Well, as many of us have been posting, I wish I had more interesting or "bloggy" things to write, but I don't. I thought last week about writing about the 4 year anniversary of the bus accident, but didn't know what to say. It's an important event in our lives, but it's losing it's magnitude in a way. I tried to listen to Lux Aroumque and remember the entire day and all of the feelings, but it's almost as though my brain is resisting it. When I think of Chippewa now, it's totally different and so much has happened since then. I'll always recognize October 16th, but it is getting more and more distant and I don't like how guilty I feel about that. Well, that's pretty much why I shoudn't have written about it I guess...
I hope to have more to write about as next week rounds out. I can't wait to get paid, especially my Dec. 1st check!! I want to get squared away with Liz and Becky and such more than you'll ever know! Lots of subbing is happening. I had 8 missed calls from Verona the other day AFTER I had accepted a job in Madison for the day. It's crazy different than last spring in EC/Chippewa. So I'll blame my lack of posts on that...
:) Everyone else should not take after me and they should start posting more often!!!!
Sincerely,
Hypocrit Soules

Falc'in good time.

Well, the subbing has started in full force! Last week I subbed Thursday at Muir Elementary School and considering if was my first day subbing and a full day of teaching general music it went really well. I was nervous because I felt rusty and unprepared, but it all comes back and the plans weren't too bad. Friday I subbed for Orchestra in the morning at Lafollette and East HS Band in the afternoon. I opted to rehearse the orchestra instead of watch August Rush and thankfully, the director was pleased to hear that I was a music sub and that I rehearsed them. He emailed me back (I like to send teachers an email at the end of every assignment because my handwriting isn't so hot and then they have my email address) and asked if I was comfortable teaching beginning strings too because he travels to elem. schools in the afternoons. I think I can handle it so we'll see if he calls. Then I hurried over to East and was late because I got out of Lafollette late due to a different bell schedule for their homecoming assembly. They had a "veg" day planned so I made sure to leave him a message that I am a music sub and today he had me teaching music so that was cool. Monday I subbed in music at Brooklyn in Oregon. It's actually a village south of Oregon so it took over 25 minutes to get there, but now I know. It wasn't a terrible day, but it was one where you come home with a headache. The teacher's room was "da bomb". She had a big room, with lots of Orff instruments and posters of Kodaly so you can tell she does a lot of both. It was a lot of October songs with a CD so easy in a way, but hard because you can't hear the kids singing and there's no real lesson to it so it's a little awkward. She had a huge office connected to the room with her computer, shelves, and a frickin futon. Sweet.
Tuesday was the day we've all been waiting for. I subbed for Liz and it was pretty funny. Even though the kids know we're "twins", they still question whether or not we're telling the truth about who we are. Like, if Liz wears her hair different or her glasses they accuse her of sending me to school, but the first day I actually was the one there, they thought it was her pulling their leg. The younger kids especially, have a hard time fathoming two identical adults so I had to pull out a picture of the 3 of us and show each class which one is their music teacher, which one will be a guest teacher, and which one doesn't live in Madison. I showed them my earring and so they now know a "secret" to telling us apart. Overall, hearing Liz's stories every day about the kids gave me a major advantage, along with looking like their normal teacher. They were fairly well behaved all day and I had a lot of fun. When I would sing they would look like magic just happened and that we have the same voice, which I find hilarious because I thought our voices were different and Liz is WAY better at matching pitch. But more so than in any other college experience or in EC schools, when I am alone and have good plans I am a good elementary teacher. I've found out how to keep kids interest and feel less inhibited with my singing voice, so I can let go a lot more and have a lot more fun. Now, in no way do I want to teach elementary music permanently. But I am finding that my experiences subbing for elem music in Madison will have a great influence on my future teaching in the middle and high schools. It serves as a strong reminder to keep general music concepts and curriculum in mind after they are doing all the "performance"-related things (playing instruments, singing, marching, etc.). There are times where I feel like elem music is a totally different from MS/HS, but in many ways it is all the same. If a band director approached their rehearsal in the way an elem teacher tends to (i.e. planning multiple activities, purposeful lessons on concepts, extensions, relating to culture and history) then they are actually doing their job. Elementary concepts are the building blocks and precursor to being able to assemble these performance-based ensembles and we should utilize what students already know. I don't remember what I learned in elem. school, but I'm pretty sure starting band was like starting from scratch. This is a quarter note, this is an A, this is a march....Middle school band directors should relate back to ta's and titi's to help students realize that they already know half of what they are learning, but are learning a different, more advanced approach and language. Whoa. Rant.
So today I spent the morning at East again. They have a Beginning Instrumental Music class for non-band kids to come in a learn an instrument. Just 7 kids and mostly looking for an easy A, but it's a cool opportunity. Tomorrow, Friday, and Monday I'm subbing at Huegel Elem. which is really close to our apt. (Billie went there!) for the music teacher because her son is playing in Carnegie Hall. She mailed plans to Liz's school and they look fine. I'm nervous about spending 3 days in one place, but subbing for MMSD pays so well that I can't complain about anything. My first paycheck should be around $625 from MMSD and $90 for Oregon (both OCt. 30th). From then on I should be earning about $1500-2000 a month, depending on how many days are spent in MMSD ($141 a day) vs. Verona/Oregon ($95 a day). I can't tell you how badly I am looking forward to getting those checks. I want to be debt free by the end of the year! Then I can focus on school loans.
McFarland called me about becoming a sub and it's sort of annoying because I left them multiple messages after applying 5 weeks ago. I'll just email them and tell them no. If I'm staying busy with music 5 days a week there is no point adding another district. I haven't even subbed in Verona yet, because every time they call I'm already at a MMSD school. Next week I'm subbing Monday at Huegel, and supposed to teach music at Emerson for a full day Tuesday. I'm hesitant and might cancel because people are now telling me that it's the school for homeless kids and it's off of E Johnson street so....either I'll go to add to my repertoire of experiences or for some good stories. I feel bad because it's one of the first jobs I accepted and so she's planned on me for 2 weeks. We'll see. THEN I'm subbing for Liz already again on Nov. 4th (Music in the morning, Kindergarten in the afternoon) and Nov. 6th and 16th (?) at Huegel again. Dr. Eckel at East said he had some dates in mind for me and with all the teachers I've subbed for and Kyle Peterson and the teachers Liz has given my information to, I have a list of people requesting me that is MUCH longer than it was in EC (oddly enough).
Still getting used to getting up early, even though I've mastered going to bed early. I'm SOOOO looking forward to homecoming. I hope I'm not disappointed. I promise I won't bother Becky to get crazy! :) I just feel like I have a lot to do before we leave Madison. Now that I'm at school all day and sharing stories with Liz all night, my to-do list has been a little neglected. Number one thing I need to do soon is apply for the longterm sub job in Middleton at one of the middle schools and the high school (.66). That would be sweeeeeeeeet. It's for January 25th through April 1st and I think I'd make about the same as subbing, but having a regular gig would be a relief.
So full. So, so very full. So much for losing weight. I watch Biggest Loser religiously (it's a great season, btw) but it hasn't done much motivating. I felt like I needed to focus on subbing and everything this week, but I desperately need to get better about working out and eating less. We'll go 3 days in a row and then not for 5-6 days, or even longer. ah! So frustrating. I've actually gained 1 lb. wtf? Oh well. As long as I'm leading a productive life, right? I'm hoping to find some more ways to be involved in Madison music. I should find time to contact Madison Alumnae chapter for SAI or the Boys and Girls Club drumline or email the sax professor to find out about any playing opportunities. I'd even play in a quartet of freshman sax majors, but at least get some performance/practice in. I miss playing, but I admit I'm not too upset about it. I've played once since the move and some people would have shriveled up a died by now, but I just know that I'll eventually find a way to make everything work and once I get a band job I'll have a practice room and time on my hands, not to mention all of the horn on face time I'll have teaching lessons and full band. Um..........I got nothing else. So, I'll write more post-homecoming festivities.

Sorry for the delay!

Soooo it's been what? 3 weeks? That's pretty sad. Like I've said before...I used to be at writing in these things. A lot has happened but still most of same news. I had thought that I'd be subbing by now and that with the physical things would move quicker. It still took forever! Well, with all the interviews, paperwork, TB tests, physical, and orientation all coming to an end...I accepted my first job. I'm subbing for this Elizabeth Soules character. This totally white teacher from Falk Elementary who submerges herself daily in the Madtown ghetto. Then I also already had a request for the 20th for another elem. music teacher who Liz and I don't know. Kinda weird.
Working out is so exhausting. It's hard to keep a regular schedule, but mostly hard to be patient. I want to drop weight fast enough to stay motivated! We've done pretty well exercising over the week, but then every weekend something is going on.
Last weekend was extended for me. I drove up to Chippewa Falls on Wednesday and subbed for the afternoon for Tim and Christine. Whenever I'm at that school the kids make me feel so welcome. I know mostly they know Becky and any young sub with a familiar face and history with the program is going to be better than some crotchity old lady. It makes my desire to teach there even stronger and I can't afford to think about it for months. I believe the plan is to apply there after Feb. 15th and so until then I need to just do my thing. Sub, lose weight, make money, get things in order!
After subbing I drove to Menomonie and spent the night with the fam. It is so much nicer to go home alone. When we all 3 go home together it's as though they can't afford to listen to all of us, so they pretty much ignore us. I hate it when I go home and feel like nobody notices that it's unusual. For years now I have been acutely aware of that fact that I don't live there anymore and it makes visits more important so when you feel invisible it totally sucks. BUT this time was great. Dan and Christa (plus Morgan!) stayed for dinner and I thought that was lucky, but Morgan ended up being there the whole next day. I stayed until 3pm or so Thursday because I couldn't get a sub job again in Chippewa. Spending a whole day with mom and Morgan is a wonderful sort of therapy. Morgan is smiling SO much now. Last I saw her you had to work so hard! So between getting to absorb some baby magic, I got LOTS of time to have meaningless and meaningful conversation. Then I went to EC and spent a few hours at Collin's and showered before heading to SAI pledging ceremony.
That was cool. I didn't know any of the girls, but 4 is a good Fall number. Only Rachel and Abby knew I was coming, and that goes for Becky, too! It took everything for me to not tell her I was coming, especially when I was in Menomonie/Chippewa the last two days. Her face was pretty funny and then Angela started crying and jumped up on me. Perkins was delicious and it's great to spend time with the girls. Joynt briefly afterward and then a group of us partied at Becky's until 3am. Friday I sort of bummed around EC a little bit-watched some Jazz I rehearsal, went to the old Dollar Tree, went to the bank, etc. Then Becky, Rick, and I had a quick silly hangout session before they got on the BMB bus to Chicago. I drove around looking for Memorial's homecoming parade and was confused until I got home and saw on the school website that it was cancelled. It was barely even raining! Sooo, then Collin and I split a pitcher at the Joynt, popped come Big Red, and went to the HS football game.
It was SO great to see everyone. I love Memorial and the kids and I feel like...ecstacy. I miss teaching, I love seeing how much some of them have grown up, who's dating who, the kids coming back from college, the marching show, etc. But I feel like I'm in desperate need of a job so that I can not have to feel like such a loser for being obsessed with the one group of kids I've worked with for an extended period of time. I just feel so attached to them. I love them. And I think that should be something that I'm proud of and see it as a good thing. But it comes off more pathetic and I just really need to have a constant stream of students in front of me so I don't have to start missing them so damn much!! I think it's also that my life is moving so slow right now and Eric and everyone in school seems to be flying by at such a quick (and much more exciting) pace.
Friday night after the game BJ, Collin, and I went out for Collin's birthday and whoa, we got DRUNK. BJ kept buying shots, Collin kept buying pitchers. I literally spent $3. We went to the House of Rock to see the Walk/Klenz Sextet and that was a blast. Danced a lot with Callie and her mother in law-haha. I'm pretty sure Mrs. Power could tell I was getting pretty tipsy. Collin ended up passing out in my car after delusions at the GI so BJ and I could keep going until Bar close. Then BJ says, "Hey. Weren't you guys like...drink for drink?" Yes. Yes we were. And I ended up staying up until 5am playing Sega with Brandon Covelli. I am amazed at my post graduation abilities sometimes. Although, it is likely directly linked to how fast I am going gray this year.
SO, now I NEED to start subbing. I've had way to much time on my hands. The guilt of the debt is really starting to weigh on me and I'm feeling very unsettled and anxious about getting more behind before I'm able to pull it all back together. I feel like I'm trying hard one minute and feel like the laziest sonofa betch other times.
Well, none of this was funny so again I wonder why I write. I thank Becky for writing. Her crap has been really funny. It's embarrassing that I don't write more considering the excess time I have had for a month. We're going to eat with Kyle Peterson and his girlfriend tomorrow. I can't wait to get a social life down here! Between working and knowing people here I won't be so tempted to haul up to EC to get my social fix. That's been the biggest adjustment to being here. In EC I had a very irregular schedule in that I'd run into people one day, different people the next, big party here, sai social there, lunch with so-and-so, and rehearsals, etc. Even while student teaching and subbing we had girls nights and pub crawls and concerts. We've had visitors every weekend we've been here, but I think it's the impromtu, semi-regular flow of social interactions that I am used to. Liz and I have fun-don't get me wrong. But a lot of it involves sega, Drop Dead Diva, Biggest Loser, and Intervention. In general, TV. Adoption Diaries, Family Guy, 2 and a Half Men, So You Think You Can Dance, etc. I need to be running around a school all day, work out and then watch TV when I deserve it! Bah....15-20lbs need to disappear before Pat's wedding. I've been talking to Erin's bridesmaid Whitney a lot about the bachelorette party. My main concern is letting loose and meeting back up with Pat and his bachelor party. I have never seen my brother drunk and it can't happen soon enough. Can't wait. Gonna be great.
Well. It's 1am. I went to bed at 11pm but had to get up and eat because I was hungry enough that I couldn't sleep. I had only eaten 1275 calories today....HAD eaten... :) I should be able to go to sleep now. So, I'll try to write again within a day or two. In the meantime, MORE FROM BECKY?!

Starting to pick up...

Everything is starting to feel like it's coming together. I had my interview in Verona today for subbing and after they call references and enter me in the system I should be able to start. Plus, I have to get a TB test and physical, which they pay for. Hopefully when I do that I can get a new prescription for BC pills and spiro and start to feel better. Liz and I got passes to anytime fitness and it should be very worth it. Biggest Loser started tonight and that is very motivating. I want to lose 7-8 lbs by homecoming and 20 lbs by Pat's wedding which is Dec. 12th. I want to work out 5 times a week or so and cut my calories to under 2000. Calculators online and such say that someone my age, weight, height, etc. should eat 2250 calories a day so if I can cut 500 or more a day and work out another 500 or so at the gym I can hopefully lose an average of 1-2 lbs a week, which would lead to my goals. We also got unlimited tanning for $4 and that is cheaper than one time at most places so I'm excited that I can tan 2-3 times a month and not break the bank and I can even out my old drum corps tanlines (yes I still have 'em!) and look good at the wedding. It's especially important to me because if I lose the weight, then I will be 30 lbs less than at Dan's wedding and won't have a major sports bra tanline. It was embarrassing because our whole family was there and it's a major event with lots of pictures. I want to feel proud of who I am and feel as pretty as I can, for me and my family.
I'm kind of irritated because Oregon called and said they were having trouble getting ahold of Dickerson and I know that his Fall schedule only consists of marching band, U-Band, and observing student teachers. BMB is a lot of work, but he should have plenty of time to return a phone call. I have done a lot of hard work, including for the BMB, and I deserve his recommendation in a more timely manner. I feel upset that my success isn't important enough to him to do that for me. What if it were for a permanent job? Eric called back right away and I'm thankful for that. If she got the references checked then the only thing I have to do is get entered in the system and START SUBBING. I need to start making money. These schools only pay twice a month so if I sub now until the end of the month, it still only gets on the mid-month check so I won't get paid until mid-Oct. My Memorial check is late too, especially considering it's from work in mid-august. I emailed the lady my frustrations and she's trying to push it to Friday's payroll. Thank god. Gotta get Becky paid off so I can just concentrate on the rest of my expenses.
Things I need to pay:
Becky: After the Memorial check comes I will hopefully only owe her $100-150.
Liz: 2 months rent by the time I can pay her, 2 months gym pass, cable, and some smaller loans=probably about $1000.
Car: my brakes are leaking fluid and the dilemna is whether to fix it or to throw it on craigslist now and get a new car. A new car would probably be around $3000 or $150-200 a month.
Credit card: I owe just under $700 on that.
Saxophone: I am only paying the $27 minimum right now, but the interest is insane. Total due is over $3,700.
School Loans: Right now, I don't have to pay these, but I think around January I will have to start paying $190 a month!

Then the current expenses come in, let alone the things I really would like to have (new tennis shoes, I-Pod, a new computer, some new clothes).
If I sub every day of the week, my monthly income will be close to $2000 a month before taxes and so you can see how I'm eager to start getting out there. I could pay $375 (rent), $55 phone, $100 (cable, energy) and another $150 on gas/food. Total=$680. I can really make a dent on those debts if I am really good about spending as little as possible. With working out, I'll be less likely to blow money and effort on fast food, which is my biggest area of wasting money.

You probably don't care to see my breakdown of expenses, but it does help me to write it all out. This is what the adult world is like! If I can set aside $500 a month for paying back loans and the credit card then I should be feeling a lot better by the end of the year. Interest is a terrible thing. They really take advantage of people who need money! This past year has really proven that you never know where you'll end up in a year so I need to pay things off and starting saving for emergencies as much as possible. Last year I would have told you I would have a salaried job by now. I won't even be so bold as to predict that for next year, because now I know better. I will, however, continue to keep that as my main goal and push for as much as I can get. I cannot wait to get huge checks (in comparison to now) for doing something that I love to do. Having a regular schedule for the first time in years could be really good for my stress levels, weight problems, money problems, etc. I can just worry about growing as an educator and musician, and spending time with those who matter to me.
A boyfriend would be nice, too. It's not something that I ever really let get me down, though I throw out the occasional "woes-me" comment-I really am happy either way. I just imagine the happiness that can be ADDED if I have another person to share everything with, especially if it's the way I can share with my sisters. I find myself looking around more since graduation, maybe it's my body's way of knowing that time is limited. I check out everyone it seems! The guy who runs anytime fitness (never would happen), the guy mowing his lawn, the guy in the checkout, the teachers in the area, people I already know, etc. It's sort of funny. It's been so long and sometimes when you are single for a long-time you wonder if it's the way you imagine it or if you've started to build a whole new (unrealistic) concept of the way kissing feels or snuggling up next to someone. It's like...I forgot what touch feels like. It becomes really so hard to remember that you hope when you do that you aren't disappointed. Like..."that's it?". You know? Like, rubbing someone's back always seems good in your daydream, but the rare chances I've had just seem forced and awkward. Touch is touch, someone rubbing their hand on your shoulder doesn't feel much different than if you did it to yourself....I can't imagine holding someone's hand with thinking "we're holding hands". So I am rarely down about my single status, but I hold a great deal of wonder about how it will actually feel because I've never really had anything to compare real life to, besides my imagination (which could be way off!). When I watch chick flicks, Pretty Woman for example, my stomach gets all knotted. I have to wonder if a real life connection can actually do that or just experiencing an imaginary story gives off that sort of tension. So.....yep. We'll see I guess? I just want someone who I look up to and admire and does the same to me. It'll come.
I think, since my blood is pumping after that workout, that I might stay up for a while and try to get a website going for myself. I want to promote myself as a licensed music educator, but also as a freelance musician, though my expectations for gigging are not high. I think it will do my image and sense of self a lot of good to create a nice site that shares more about who I am, what I've accomplished, what I can do, and what I want to do. So...that's my project for the next few days. I'm new at this, but I can work around technology fairly well so I'm hoping that it's something I can be proud of and start to share it. I want to create business cards and write letters/emails to all of the area music teachers and be able to list a site where they can explore if they so please. SO, with that, have a great night and I hope you enjoying the Season 8 premiere of The Biggest Loser-"Second Chances".

I deserve a medal.

Liz is passed out in my bed and Lauren just barfed spaghetti on my carpet. Still smilin'!

Still not gettin' comments on here really...hmmm...

Well folks today proved to be a very interesting day. I woke up at 8am to a call from Verona SD offering me an interview to sub for the district. I definitely accepted considering their website says they are already full for subs and it is the school district that I live in. So that is next Tuesday at 9:30 am. Great. With my interview in Oregon complete, which went well in case I forgot to mention, that means I essentially have at least two districts to sub in (similar to last Spring). Madison Metropolitan SD said they started processing references and such this week and would bump me up the list so that is a big possibility for a third with a ton of schools, which is great news considering I quit DT. (I never showed tonight and they only called once 45 minutes after I was supposed to be there-probably means they have a high turnover rate-wonder why?). So everything seems good.
I applied to be a nights and weekends FULL-TIME retail sales associate at Ward Brodt as well. We'll wait to hear what they say, but I am otherwise planning on stopping in there next week to talk to someone face to face.
Around 3pm I get an email from Doc that goes as such:
Theresa....

I only just now found this out, and I realize that you probably already know, BUT I couldn’t take a chance that you didn’t. Chippewa Falls High School is taking applications for Andrei’s old job. If you haven’t thrown your hat in the ring, I’d suggest that you do so....

Later... Doc

P.S. Also sent this to your uwec address and copied it to Liz – when I got your out of office message, I just re-sent the whole thing here. Just wanted to be super sure that you got it.

Ok. What? That can't be right? So as I'm processing that in my head frantically, Liz popped her head in my bedroom door and says, "I'm hooooome". I screamed so loud! ha. Scared the shit out of me. So I showed her and she dials Doc right away and he said that Dave M. doesn't want to stay the whole year and that at some later point they will need a long term sub. It's hard because I want to make sure this is true and don't want to spread rumors or get my hopes up, but it's major news. Why? Because now I live in Madison. I pay rent (well, Liz does and I pay her back sometime). I moved everything down here. I have potential jobs lined up. I don't know if or when this will happen but it's a lot to think about. So I'd rather just wait and see. Why worry about something that won't be happening for months, if even at all?
As Liz wraps up her conversation with Doc my phone rings...It's Madison Met. SD offering me an interview for either of the (still open!) elementary music positions (.9 and .2). I didn't even apply! I was sort of stuttering with the lady trying to explain my situation. I want income, but I'm not very well equipped to teach elem. and Liz would essentially write my lessons every night for me. I might an opportunity down the road to finish the year out in Chippewa, which is my dream job that I thought wasn't even going to be open until the Fall. So I set up the interview and agreed to think about it over the weekend and let her know Monday (before my interview at 3pm). I called a few friends right away. Kristin interviewed for these positions already and never heard back, which is strange. And then I thought to call Matt Tiller, but figured he was settled in Osseo or EC or something. He was really interested and Liz and I both agree he would be a much better fit and we would urge Madison to hire him. If he calls them Monday morning, he might have an interview by the afternoon. He talked to Claire and they're going to go for it-so wish him major luck!!
I don't know if they would hire me anyways, but it would be extremely difficult for me to teach elementary music, pretty much full-time, as a beginning teacher AND in an extremely diverse and large school. I don't think I'd be very happy doing that. If I can sub a lot and save up money, then if I need to move or something in the Spring I can. Looks like a tough semester/year either way.
Then I watched Bryce B.'s video he shared on facebook and almost threw-up laughing (I posted it in my profile too) and then Liz and I drove around Madison looking for comfort food. We ended up at Chili's and weren't too satisfied. Expensive long islands and spicy food and I had a migraine so our plans of getting giddy and drunk at home were foiled by our food coma and indigestion. We watched "The Girl Who Cries Blood" a terrible documentay On Demand about a girl with a blood disorder. Final diagnosis-The mom is probably putting blood on the girl's face making it look like she's crying blood. WTF?
So, crazy day. Tomorrow Fat Z is coming and we're having texas toast with a side of SAILOR. Should be great. Post some comments so I'm more motivated to blog again.

Madison Dollar Tree=NO THANKS

So things have been very different since I got down to Madison. I've always had a sort of romantic relationship with Madison and am glad to be here. Living somewhere more permanently is, however, less exciting. We didn't have internet for a week so instead of hash through what Liz already wrote in her blog, I'd like to mostly fast forward to more recent events.
Excuse me, but holy shit do I hate the Madison (Whitney Way) Dollar Tree. Before moving I had talked to the manager and thought he sounded a little drab, but whatever, I figured SOME of the other employees have to be more upbeat in personality. No. Then my EC manager suggested that I visit the store first because she's weary of the Madison stores having lived here previously. Liz and I went when moving into our apartment that first weekend. It seemed normal enough. Odana Road, next to Laredo's, in a nice strip mall...The size and content of the store was very similar to EC and I figured all would be fine, especially if seen as merely a transitional job. My manager and I talked a couple more times before my first shift and again, very drab. Boring, skeptical, fatigued, and it seemed like they needed me but were afraid to say it. So whatever. Tuesday night I go in and this high school mexican chick is just staring at me. ok:

"Hi. I'm Theresa and I'm here to work....Transferred from another store. Nice to meet you"
"Talk to the manager"
"Ok....where?"
Yer comes around the corner. "Follow me. You can put your purse here and you'll be on register 5". We proceed to sign and in it's awkward. Fred, who never introduces himself (though I did in a friendly way to him) grumbles about my log-in number thing not working for 10 minutes before we realize that someone else has the same 5 digits of their SSN as me. We figure it out and I get sign-ed on. Cashier for 2 hours, not a word from anyone. Then, "You can go on break". Ok, great well there's a huge f-ing line. After helping another 10 people I (politely) ask 2 elderly women to go to another register. They're fine with it. Big Ole Black Lady walks over as soon as they leave and slams two 4 packs of Shasta on the counter and I ask her to go to register 1 please so I can shut mine down (The light is already off). "Where your closed sign?!" "I don't know. It's my first day and I have already helped too many people after I was told to shut down. I'm sorry, but she can help you on 1." "No." ok, so ring her up and politely ask if she wants a bag, acting as though she hadn't just been extremely rude. "yeah, but don't bother!!" She grabs her own bag from behind the register and slams her shit and takes off. WTF?? The rest of my night was equally bad, we got out late and NOBODY talked to me. Then I find out the bank that I have to follow the closing manager to is fricken halfway to Middleton. I got done and needed a damn orange cream shake from McDonalds.
TONIGHT I did NOT want to go, but I was trying to be optimistic. "It'll only be for a month or so until I start subbing"... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH NNOOO THEY DIDN'T! It was ten times worse. The manager was STILL old, boring, and cold and won't even look me in the eye. No feedback, no chatter, no help, no condolences. Drunk as hell lady loses her keys and wants us to drop everything and look for them. SHE SHOULDN'T BE DRIVING. IF YOU CAN'T TALK-YOU CAN'T DRIVE!! She swearing her head off and finally we find them aftering doing PA announcements and crap. By the time I had my break I wanted to walk out, but the manager is so frickin' creepy I thought he might come after me. I decided to finish out the night. I didn't know that the store outside of my front area looked like hell, and someone else was a no show tonight and that I would stay an extra hour and a half AFTER close. We didn't even do everything we're supposed to do because then I would have legally had to take a break. This was me working with the GENERAL MANAGER, busting my ass, and he just kept grunting and NEVER thanked me or gave me any feedback. It's not just the lack of feedback. It's the lack of instructions at all. Don't they know that stores do things differently and someone needs to tell me what I should be doing, at least in a general timeline sense? ARGH. Tomorrow I am NOT going. Wow, that was a long rant for only 2 days on the job.
I know I need money. I am determined to make a lot of it. I would rather scrape the grill at McDonald's than ever set foot in that hell-hole again.

One thing that Liz and I are looking forward to, being in Madison, is leaning about and experiencing diversity. Sometimes it's hard not to generalize or stereotype. Stereotypes exist because of patterns in reality. There have been a lot of pleasant interactions since moving here, with people of all backgrounds. Some of the customers were surprisingly welcoming for example. Some...paid for $23.00 worth of shit in dimes, nickels, and pennies and yelled at their kids to shut up the entire time. Some...yell across a quiet store because they think they own the place because they have an EBT card. Some...smell like they only bathed in their own urine for the past year and steal shopping carts at 7:30am to cart around their garbage bags and recycling.
Believe me. I care passionately about being a good person and doing right to all of humankind. But right now...I wanna bust a cap in someone's ass. I want to smack some of these parents. At the same time I want to hug some of these kids. I want to have a beer with some of these old Bill Cosby types and I want to make a difference somehow. So right now, I guess Madison has not been very much like I thought it would be. That's not negative. And it's not extremely different either...but it's perplexing at times.
ALSO, between Verona Rd. and our apt. must be the thicket from Bambi because I have seen a racoon, rabbit, a cat, many squirrels, and a FRICKIN' SKUNK. Damn thing was wierd. Very black, with 2 very clean, white stripes, checking out our patio area. Better be careful.
Well, that's likely plently of reading material for now. Tomorrow is major job hunt time and hopefully I'll hear back from some of the schools I want to sub for. Fat Z and Yakob are coming to visit Saturday night I believe and I can't wait! Cable=more frequent posting hopefully. Catch you on the flip-side folks. Send me some sega.

Almost done at Holiday!

Two more shifts. I can't wait, because I work over 35 hours this week. Tomorrow is the longest shift (10 hours) and then 9 more on Friday (12-9). I'm hoping I can get done early, because that's the night of the little going away party I'm throwing myself on water street. I hope people are coming out! I've actually been going out quite a bit the last 3 weeks or so, which is awesome, except on my banking account.
I forgot to get gas tonight at works, which sucks because I'm on the E. That's the reason I drove to work instead of walk...ALSO, the frickin' check brake light tapped on a few times and so I added some fluid, but hopefully this won't be bad. A few months ago the light came on and we added fluid and it hasn't done anything since. It was more like 6 months ago and I thought it was a fluke so....we'll see. If it's that slow of a leak then I'll just fill 'er up whenever I fill the tank. I NEED the car to last a few months in Madison until I save up some money. The brakes aren't making any noise or anything so...*knock on wood*.
I'm excited to get to Madison, but I'm starting to realize it is still going to take a little bit before I start racking in the dough. Transferring to Madison Dollar Tree happens fast. My manager told me she would take care of everything Monday and tonight at Holiday I got a voicemail from the Madison manager saying nobody there knew anything of my transfer, but him so....gotta make some calls tomorrow morning. It needs to move fast because I think he wants me to cover some shifts next week. It should be interesting to see what my pay will be and when my first paycheck is going to be.
It has been interesting to watch everyone go back to school. I don't feel like I should be there, in fact, I wasn't taking classes on campus for a year now since I student taught last fall. It's just sort of funny to watch the excitement from the outside. Quite a few of my old students are now freshmen at UWEC and it's fun to read their statuses and such. It brings back memories and gives me warm fuzzies remembering me as a freshman, what was exciting back then, what was important back then, and who we knew back then.
I'm watching "Look Who's Talking" on TV and the young John Travolta was HOT. Seriously, I don't think we knew it when we were tweens watching that movie and "Grease". He can move...I hate the father of the baby (Albert?). A-hole.
I also watched "Baby Story" earlier. Cried...of course. The build-up, being a baby person, and seeing the dad cry at the birth...aaaaawwwww. Sometimes I wonder if people still think I'm tough....an aggressive, overly confident, tough gal....I'm a big pile of fluff and dreams. I am strong-minded, I'll give you that. But I really want to have a family, I cry at the drop of a hat, and I can be extremely insecure and sensitive. Hoping that one ovary is still pumping because I can't wait to have a family. Thanks TLC. Send me a man.

Trying to make it until Madison before I do laundry, but my works clothes might not make it.
Get him Travolta! He's now beating up the dad!! yes...
Ok, gonna wrap it up by saying if you are in town-come out with me Friday night.

Finally snapped out of it...mostly.

So a lot has been happening lately. I just realized I haven't posted in 10 days and that's a little pathetic. I'm not using my computer so when I go through my daily sites I forget to check the blogs. Yakob came and visited and that was really fun. Did the usual-Sega, food, laughs. Good times.
Then Errin and Michelle spent a couple of days here on their way to some MN drum corps shows with Kilties and we had 2 LATE and WONDERFUL nights. Excuse my pop-culture teen-bobby terminology but...O.M.G. It was SOOOO RAD. Ha. We got crazy like we used to, probably even more so because since we're all so old none of us party anymore and so you know how usually there are a couple people who go all out, and the rest enjoy themselves but aren't "all out"? This was ALL of us, ALL out. Tot sweet. Lauren was here too on her way through to Tim and Christine's wedding, which was Sat. 8/22 and very lovely. I wish we could have talked more because I've been feeling a strain on a lot of my friendships since the job hunt began. It's been hard to watch people get to move on in their lives, a lot of them, and be stuck in my own life. It puts a wierd awkwardness in the air and I don't like it.
So then after all that fun it was like reality hit me. I'm 24, no job, moving to Madison very soon, little money, estranged friends, and I had a really bad chest cold. So I went and drank with Collin for a little bit, after fighting with Becky. Then drove around aimlessly until I decided to visit Ang at Culver's. Drove around aimlessly again and broke down crying then called Mary Neff, which is a whole other blog entry. Finally went over to the trumpet house and participated in "Whiskey Week" and made fun of Andy Bader's little brother who is a prick. I ended the night with Chris at Becky's apt. playing sega and watching intervention, which was actually a blessing. I ended the night feeling ok, versus feeling the closest I've ever felt to depressed in my life.
Ever since I woke up the next morning I've felt good. I feel positive and I'm rushing this because Becky just called for a ride. I'm excited to move. I've been keeping busy with working and feel less quilty about debt. I give up sort of. At the same time I'm motivated to kick some major ass in my life, starting with promoting myself in Madison as much as possible. I'm proud of who I am and I'm going to get my name out. "Whore myself around" as an educator and musician, if you will.
Eek. Gotta go. I will try to post more frequently.

I suck at blogging

I used to be so good! Back in the day I updated my xanga more than anyone else, almost every day and wrote about some funny stuff. Now I suck. AS Liz would say, "We had a much more careless lifestyle". :)
I think I'm moving to Madison with Liz. I felt like extremely embarrassed, but her acceptance of her Madison job offer caused me to find my rock bottom. At least, I hope that was my bottom. I was bawlin' and kinda hyperventilating. It's just soooooooooo hard. *beating a dead horse* I've been applying since February! So Madison is at least a new, more exciting town that I LOVE and hopefully I can sub enough to furnish a respectable adult home, as per Liz requirement. I want to lose weight and get on track with the things I can control. Moving to Madison is sort of a blessing in disguise because I will be happier than in EC even if I'm doing the same things because of the change in environment and general feeling of big change. I've done the Chippewa Valley subbing crap and don't want to be a townie with no job. At the same time, I feel like I'll never be happy enough in Madison either knowing it's my plan B and I never found a job. It's not my fault, but a lot of days it feels that way and probably will all next year.
Becky just tripped in the shower. I hope her hair turns purple. Liz just dyed it and I would just DYE if it turned purple like the gloves in the sick. Can't wait, gonna be great. Best $2.97 ever spent.
Ho humm....I'm supposed to be at work, but thankfully Megan is covering me and I'll grab her shift on Wednesday. I've got the killer cough from hell. Did I swallow nails in my sleep??? I had a dream that I had a cough and woke up feeling like crap. I mentioned it to Liz and we exchanged yeah my throat kinda hurts, blah blah, then as soon as she lefts I coughed for the first time and it was murder!! I shot up and caught my breath asap and then wiped away all my tears and rubbed my shoulder that I wrenched all over and must have looked like Liz in Yakob's phone videos (*shocked*). I went to the clinic and they prescribed a bunch of meds, including some cough syrup with codeine (gross) so hopefully I'll kick it quick. This is NOT a good time to be sick at all! Anyways, time to rest up and see what hue hath taken over Rebecca's hair.

It's hard to not be bitter.

This job stuff is all I write about and I apologize for that. I've applied for over 25 jobs and each time my motivation is smaller because I am bitter than I am even still doing it. The only reason that I do is because I LIVE to teach. It is something that makes me happy. Teaching at Memorial this past few weeks I feel on cloud nine then I come home and remember that part of my email-checking routine includes checking every job site known to man and generally finding nothing.
I hesitant to post all of this because I feel guilty about the way that I feel, but yesterday... I find out through facebook that Anne and Andrew both got interviews in Barron. It's a full-time HS Band position 45 minutes from my parents and essentially feels like my last hope. Now, they are both GREAT people and good friends of mine, but are they really more deserving of an interview? I've revised my letters/resume millions of times, people have read them, I have gotten 2 interviews...This is extreme possibly, but--Is it because I'm not married??? It doesn't appear that I will settle down there?? Everywhere else won't take me because I don't have experience, but I'll never get it because schools know that I won't be staying long. I'm stuck.
I just went downstairs and rehashed all of this with Lindsay Bertz who dropped off my check from when I taught summer school at locust lane for her. I hate saying the same things over and over to people, but especially people like her need to realize how lucky they are! She has a full-time, non-traveling teaching position in EAU CLAIRE! That's much different than my situation. She's a good listener so I just kept going on and on. Kind of like I did with Brian Hilson at Morgan music today. :)

Time to head to Menomonie and give Scott the tenor I found for him. Reeds and mouthpieces are SOOO overpriced in EC that it's ridic and mom's just going to have to order online. They are literally twice the online price!! what the heck? Some much needed TLC from mom then back early enough to finish my Middleton application before bed. Two more days of Memorial then back to my depressing, non-education filled life.

Seriously, no comment?

How could a blog commencing as my previous entry receive no comment?
I need to write more later, but for now I'm checking jobs, napping, and I have to work at 6pm. I should be able to squeeze an entry in before or after work...

Don't do acid.

Holy crap. This chick came into Holiday tonight screamin' that she needed to go to the hospital and that she was just freaking out. Something about her schizo dad and she had purple hair with dye all over her hands. She kept saying, "oh my god oh my god" and swearing and pulling and twisting at her hair. SERIOUSLY having a bad trip so I just called the cops they came and then when her dad got there I was like, "oooooooh" because he is this huge greasy guy who used to come into Dollar Tree with her and some other girl (lesbians??) and they are totally gross/messed up. She was definately on something and the worst I've seen anyone ever freaking out. She kept hyperventillating and I tried offering her a paper bag and water and that just pissed her off. Maybe next time they come in with piss-drenched bills or pay in all change I'll get stabbed or something....oofda.

So what I meant to start off with was an update on my past week in Chicago. It was extremely hard trying to visit Joe and Stephanie and SAI convention at the same time. SAI was a neat experience, but one that I wish I had more sleep and money for. Singing the chorale with almost 900 people and seeing the new initiation ceremony performed by the NEB were definitely highlights of the convention. Also, Becky and I bought some cool things at Phlea Phlam. It's basically 2 huge tents full of chapter fundraisers and we totally should participated. One chapter raised over $700 and donated it to SAI Philanthropies, which is really cool. Another thing that I took away from the experience, besides a SAI fanny pack and lots of pamphlets, was that our girls NEED to be applying for these scholarships and grants. Some of the performance grants were given to people that girls from our chapter could have blown out of the water (think jazz). I think when I am applying for grad schools I'll look into the conducting graduate scholarship. There are so many music education grants that a school like UWEC should be applying for every year. It was also cool to see the NEB live and see hunched over old ladies in roses and red, who have likely gone to many conventions. At one session they had people stand then sit down after they said a certain amount of years...ladies with over 60 years in SAI! One had been in it for 67 years and when you think about the fact that she was initiated in college it reminds you how many women really do live SAI forever.
Joe's kids are really cute and holding a baby is one of my favorite things in the world! I am always amazed at how calm Stephanie is and so comfortable to be around, considering we never marched with her and didn't get to know her until last summer really. Like I said, it was hard to concentrate on both the convention and catching up with the Rodriguez family at the same time. Each thing made me more tired for the next! But all in all, a good trip. The only trip for the Soules sisters this summer. We spent a good amount of money, but who cares. I got a nice SAI bag and hand-painted platters with the SAI motto on them "Vita Brevis, Ars Longa" (Life is short, but art is long). PLUS, LOTS of food.
I've been teaching at Memorial this week and will be again next week. It feels really good to be back and, along with the trip to chicago, has served as a pretty good distraction from the job hunt. It feels like when you've been gone for a long time and get to come home and in a way that's not good because I need to realize that I don't teach there. I don't teach anywhere right now. Collin is teaching too, which makes me happy. He deserves a school to help out with to keep music in his life outside of school bus driving and Panera bread. So far things are WAY better than last year and I'm eager to see their show. They are moving more, playing better music, and much more disciplined in rehearsal. It's a shame I can't stay with them (unless I don't get a job). And...I'm getting paid (well)!!
I should get to bed because I have to get up early to teach again, but if I think of more things from the trip I'll write again. Otherwise, wish me well on the job front and have a wonderful day!

Drum Corps!

I am SO glad that we went to Drums Along the Chippewa. I thought is was going to be a bunch of small, shaky open class corps even so late in the season. Well, whoa. It was a wonderful show AND there was a full stadium...in EAU CLAIRE!
I try to spend so much time telling myself that it was a great activity while we were younger and though I gained a lot through it that there is a lot more to life and to music itself. I haven't seen a show in a long time so it's easy to brush off how much of my background in based on marching and when I've been applying for jobs I've been telling myself "It's ok if they don't march" and "I've done the marching thing". But as soon as the first corps took the field there was a huge lump in my throat and as they built chords in their on-field warm-up my eyes filled with tears in an almost embarrassing way. This WAS a MAJOR part of me. I'll never forget and it shaped who I am today. For the first 2-3 corps I was just flooded with memories and emotions. I felt like it were my own kids out their performing and I was SO proud of everyone. These were mostly corps that we didn't march with in shows when we were in Capital Sound, but drum corps is drum corps. Tan faces, sweaty hair, clear execution, loud and in your face moments....and the drumlines were SO good. I think it is remarkable how so few drummers in the world march, but the ones who do are like machines they are able to play so much, so clean, and they are so often in HIGH SCHOOL. This is going to benefit them in so many ways. Even Racine Scouts were the best I've seen them, by a long shot. The peak musical and emotional experiences that I had in drum corps have fueled my passion for music and teaching so much so that when I had tried to ignore them for so long that I nearly exploded with emotion that night. I wanted to shake everyone's hand and thank them for giving corps a chance and that they wouldn't regret it, no matter how hard it seems at times, or how crappy your staff can be sometimes...or how hard the economy has hit your corps family. God, I'm gonna cry again and only those of you who have experienced drum corps will probably understand. I spent 6 years in an activity that is much like the army or a permanent music and leadership camp/exercise, and I met people from all over the world.
*sigh*
So every time I am in the car I hear Miley Cyrus. "The Climb" may not seem like the greatest song to a lot of you, but the words are chilling in that they seem to pertain to my life and job hunt tremendously.
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa


It's like Dr. Rieck says, I'm a visionary person. I see my tops goals so clearly and feel my feelings so strong that I just want to get there NOW. The journey seems painfully slow most of the time and I've worked hard to reach the top and so it's hard when things are out of my control and not going as planned, especially when I don't feel like I'm moving towards the end goal. This song soothes me sometimes and other times make me angry...

Well, we're off to Chicago for SAI National Convention. Should be exciting, especially with a side of Joe Rodriguez. Update following our return late Sunday night. Peace, love, and drum corps.

Ooof.

I am really sore. I worked so much this weekend and then moved all of our big furniture with Dad last night. After BJ's mexican fiesta buffet all I wanted to do was get in my own bed, but it's in storage. So Liz and I slept together on a deflating mattress. It was not fun. I blew it up 3 times before I gave up. I really wanted to sleep in today. Either way I have a lot of stuff to do I guess so I might as well get started.

It's interesting going through a lot of my things, because I realize how much I've acquired, especially from music and teaching. Back in the day, when we moved to the Beaver Lodge, we had so much useless junk. We had posters, a light up camel, games, crappy movies, etc. We've been clearing out so much over this year that I brought 4 bags/boxes to Goodwill the other day and that was after we made a trip when Becky moved out. Now I've got clothes I actually wear, movies I watch, no posters/silly decor, and tons of educational/musical materials. I have gone through and sorted my binders of teaching stuff and thrown away a lot, but there is still so much! It reminds me how excited I am to get an office and lay it all out and be able to reference it. I'm diving further in no-job depression and it's really a frustrating/confusing time in my life.

It's mid-Monday and no calls from the schools I had hoped to hear from today. It sucks because with Kimberly and NRHEG I had a good feeling they would call and when, and they did. Right now, my gut is turned off (or too full of junk food) and I have no hunches or feelings whatsoever in terms of job luck. I feel completely out of control and I HATE that. I have no leads, no ideas, and no reassurances. Dad even had to start bringing up the whole "don't be afraid to ask us for help" speech, even though he added a bunch of pre-scoldings like "don't leave your shit around, pick up after yourselfs, and respect the other people living there". Duh. I don't think any of us want to move home anyhow. It would be a distracting mess. I never thought it would all come down to this. It hurts really bad even if I get a job tomorrow, right now my pride is destroyed.

Screw you economy. That the hell can I do to make things better for myself that someone else years ago didn't already screw up for me? How did it get this bad? They say that the job situation, though the economy has pretty much bottomed out, will continue to get worse for a while yet as people continue to cut and conserve. I just want to teach kids. I want my life to have purpose. I don't want to scan cigarettes and make sure to sell Rockin' Rhonda her 40oz for the day.

That reminds me I should share that now I only work at Holiday. I put in a 2 week at DT because I felt like it would make me feel closer to having a teaching job-didn't work. But it does free me up for moving and then extra shifts at Holiday and IF NEED BE, interviews. Saturday was my last shift and though I liked the people I worked with, I am glad to have one less thing going on.

I'll probably write some more later today or tomorrow. We're going to the drum corps show in EC tonight so I'll have more to write about when that brings up a bunch of old feelings. I also have to share some work stories from the other day and discuss my online gaming addiction.

'Til next time...

Thanks cornerstone.

I literally feel like my head is about to split in two. Getting older sucks, the hangovers intensify.

It's 8am on a Friday morning and all of the sudden I hear all of this banging around and splitting wood and I jump up to see what's happening and low and behold my screen door is missing and a dirty man says, "didn't they call you?". wtf? NO. They didn't. I have never had this bad of a headache and it's probably my blood all stuck in my head and trying to get back to its original spaces, but I jumped up so fast and it's so LOUD.
NOT happy.
I need to be unconscious.

Welp, procrastination. The true origin of the blog.

Yesterday when Liz went to her interview she dropped me off in Menomonie. It was great to hold Morgan again. Our mom is doing daycare for Dan and Christa 3 days a week. Babies are amazing. Sometimes I just can't help but stare at her and think of the wonder of science and psychology and love and everything in the world. I try to imagine what she'll look like in a few months, but right now she still looks like a newborn baby with a few more folds in her legs. I took Scott and Laura to see Ice Age 3, which was pretty good. There weren't as many laugh out loud moments as the other two, but then again we were the only ones in the theater so maybe more giggling moms would have made it seem funnier. Then randomly the entire family was home that night except for Becky so we ran to Walmart and got a massive bucket of chicken and some dew and chowed down. It was fun. Then Liz and I bonded over the thought of our grandma diving off a diving board to save her own life.
Still not sure what's going on in the job world. Westosha and Lodi officially have all my stuff and are reviewing for interviews. It turns out the superintendant at Westosha is the president of WSMA. HOPEFULLY when he sent me that email the other day it was a good thing. (Can't remember if I mentioned that-he might have accidentally sent me a forward about having me/not having me for an interview). I haven't mailed in my Barron materials because the principal already told me they won't interview until after August 10th. I have some other less than ideal jobs that I am planning on applying for that involve either being part-time or teaching elementary. It's just that subbing will not be good for me anymore. Plus, I need benefits.

Today I need to return movies to the public library, mail my rsvp for Tim's wedding (a day late), do some shift-switching a work, dishes, and clean up in general. We need to start packing up our crap because were renting a storage unit tonight. MUST GET TEACHING JOB!

Looking forward to SAI convention, but it's time to get things done!!

Hunting for jobs.

I'm about ready to shake, rattle, and shit if I do not get a job soon. I've applied for 20 jobs, which has basically been every full-time middle/high school job posted in MN and WI since April. I had the two interviews, both went well, yet didn't produce jobs for me. They both went with someone with more "experience". I just want to know when someone decided people should be punished for their age? I have as much experience as someone who just graduated can have. I've worked extremely hard to ensure that. I began teaching lessons and marching bands FRESHMAN YEAR. I've worked with almost every band in a 30 mile radius of EC. I've played in top ensembles in concert, jazz, and marching, scholastically and professionally. I did 2 1/2 years of sax quartet. I was a 4 1/2 year member of SAI, including offices such as president. I marched 6 years of drum corps, conducting/leading for 5 of those years. I taught Crestview. I judged solo and ensemble. I played in tons of recitals, including 2 of my own (NOT required for music ed. majors).

You'll call for interviews after August 10th???? These schools are ridiculous. What am I supposed to do between then so I don't break down and become depressed about not having a job?

In all of this job stuff I guess that biggest frustration is feeling like this is some sick example of karma. What did I do to deserve this? Am I too conceited? Party too much? Mean to someone? I understand the economy is crap. I understand there are a lot of people in my situation. I understand good teachers are being cut, too. But why are some people getting jobs? What do I need to do? Will I be ok?

Do you know how bad subbing is? I did it for 5 months. I don't want to have to wake up every day at 4:40am to call AESOP and see if I can get a job that day. Or spend my entire evening refreshing the online system. I don't want to be embarrassed. I told all my kids at Memorial that I graduated and was on to find a job. I don't want to be around here still and have everybody see my failure. Not Eric, my students, or my friends. It's terribly degrading.

NOW-In none of this do I want anyone to post "you'll be fine!" or "it's gonna work out". I truly believe these things too deep inside, but my real/surface feelings are getting stronger...HENCE a new blog!

A lot has happened this year and I may jump backwards in time to catch ya'll up or maybe not. Liz has a blog she has been good about. But between graduating, family losses, tours in Florida, part-time jobs, subbing, job hunting, interviews, moving, becoming an aunt, and growing older I feel that I've lost a little bit of myself. My confidence is waring thin and my general outlook is plain.

I'm going to go watch Roseanne and eat chips. Then mail some job materials. Then sit around and wait for a miracle to happen. Next time I'll try to be more funny. Adios.