Frustrated?

I don't know why, but since I left my interview this morning I've felt really frustrated. Well, actually since we watched "The Ugly Truth" last night. First off, the movie. It's a chick flick and apparently Gerard Butler or whatever is the new Mathew Mcconaughey or something where the guy is total ass the whole time and doesn't believe in love, blah blah. Then the lovable prude wins his heart. Fucking A. Alright. I love ALL chick flicks and this was not a bad movie. There were a lot of funny parts, but I felt like the whole time the movie was mocking me. Like...oh haha it's hard for beautiful rich people to fall in love and men only care about sex and hot girls and haha isn't that great? It's shitty that this movie on one hand is totally based off of something that is not reality(everyone's is beautiful and well-spoken) AND on the other hand it's shitty that it may actually be THE UGLY TRUTH that even less fortunate people's relationships do follow these formulas. Guys want tits 'n ass, girls decides to get better bra and wins date? Drop 50 lbs and I wouldn't be single? Frustrating, but probably TRUE. I like Katherine Heigel, but...I just felt pretty pissed off last night as I was trying to fall asleep. Like, how does anyone in this F-ing world stand a chance.
SECOND. Education. I worked my damn ASS off (actually it's still there, adding extra frustration from my first point) to be one of the best frickin band directors that I could be. I love it. I live for it. And I'm extremely disappointed that I can't be on the path I deserve to be on. Just typing that made tears pop out of eyes so fast that they hit the screen. I'm pissed. I'm really really pissed. I'm reflective and so a lot of times I try to reason with things. Everything happens for a reason, maybe I could work on this instead, it'll happen soon, etc. But when it comes down to it, I'm just plain old fucking mad. Why does the economy have to blow right now? Why do I have to care so much? Why can't I put my knowledge and passion to good use. My interview went pretty good, but I JUST DON'T KNOW! I'm so fucking sick of that. I feel really screwed either way. They aren't going to tell me until Monday. Thanks. Then your kids will have had 2 months without music essentially. I don't want to have to feel guilty for not being what they want. I want to teach BAND. A good band program. I deserve that. Again I am REALLY PISSED OFF. I've spent all summer and fall "trying to make the best of it" and it's just not FAIR. I guess that's the "ugly truth" about the world of education. The people who give a shit are far and few in between and aren't in any position to help.
You know, you try to take control of the situation and make progress towards your goals either way (subbing, moving to madison, interviewing for Leopold), but it doesn't fill the MAJOR void. I have been distracted more since starting to sub so much that I buried some of these feelings back down and as I drove home from school I just felt everything boiling back up. I just hate having to wonder "why me?" about so many things in my life. Money, love, weight, and the one thing that I REALLY work to control-my success as an educator. F-U world. I hope you young music major are prepared for this shit. Because if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. I didn't expect to land the dream job upon graduation, but I worked hard to at least be an outstanding candidate for all band jobs and should be in one of those positions. NOT subbing. Not teaching elementary music, though if it is where this shithole luck leads me then I will do the very best that I can do (which is frickin good). It's not that secondary is better than elementary that is far from how I feel. It's that it's not what I'm meant to do. Other people, like Liz, are meant to and by the way, we could use more Liz's.
If this school doesn't hire me, then fine. Depending on who else they choose.....their loss. If their better, good, then I only wanted what's best for the kids. If they keep it open longer then they're sending a clear message about how unimportant music is to their school regardless of how many positions they had to fill this year or how bad their luck has been in interviews, etc.
Time to go dry my tears and get some crap done. Sorry.