Again, lots happened since I last posted. I'll start with the negative. Kristin Wood's passing was a very confusing, saddening time. Finding out that your friend is in a coma is really weird, especially when you have a lot going on already and haven't seen her in months. When we got the call driving back from Pat's wedding we had to pull off the interstate and re-group and then spent the night trying to realize what the news might mean. We both did a little research online and felt that we needed to keep moving forward with school and such because it could be a long road to recovery at best. I was under the impression that it was a very serious situation, but that the coma might last anywhere from days to months, to years. I went from skeptical to hopeful over night and so when we got Lindsay's call Monday night saying that she didn't make it, it was very surreal. Short spurts of crying in between calling friends to inform them, did not do any justice to the feelings that we were facing. Having to go through the week of school, including Liz's big 4/5 concert, really suppressed a lot of emotions. We had Kristin's family and friends in our hearts and minds all week, but knew that once we were together with everyone for the funeral and such that it might then finally sink in. It was a distant week. As we predicted, coming together with everyone finally did make it more real and the sobs were finally let free at the visitation that night, when we realized after over an hour of standing in line at the funeral home that it was an open casket. I'm thankful that it was, in that I was able to come to a reality with it and a concrete realization that she is in fact gone. It's indescribable to see a friend lying peacefully in a casket many years too early. I'm deeply saddened that someone so young and so able to affect lives was taken from us, as she was only beginning her career as a wonderfully caring music educator. The funeral was very touching, including her brother speaking of her ability to treat all people as she did all music: EQUAL. Following his heatfelt, teary speech a choir sang and that is probably when I felt the most pain, sobbing as Tim Baumann offered his support next to me. Lauren said it best when she said, "I just want to scream". Losing Kristin does make me feel some anger. Not the revengeful kind of anger, but just a major feeling of injustice. Friday night at her visitation her family and closest friends had already been mourning all week and so when her college friends from further away were first allowing themselves to grieve it was an uncomfortable feeling trying to offer our condolences. Her father was very sweet in trying to console us, even through his pain, by sharing with us that through her musical talent he was inspired and started a barbershop quartet 11 years ago. The group also sang at the funeral and it was very special. Music brought all of us together (as it did with Branden years ago) and it reminds me just how special it is to be a part of the greater musical family. this is something that I hope to always share with my students, any age, forever. Being that Black River Falls is on our frequent drive home from Madison, I look forward to stopping by to see Kristin's gravesite a number of times throughout the year. RIP Kristin, I'm a better person for knowing you and laughing with you.
School is going pretty good. Kids got me lots of sweets for Christmas and that always feels good. I am finding less drive than I would like in just sitting down and forcing myself to plan the rest of the year, conceptually. Even more specifically, I have to force myself to plan for each upcoming lesson. It's not reflective of my interest or passion for teaching music, or even my love for these kids, but more so that I have never taught elementary or ever done this much planning in an area that I am less knowledgable in repertoire, strategies, games, activitites, etc. It would be overwhelming if I let that really bother me. I just give all my attention to what I can do, when I can do it. I love my students with all my heart and they are being wonderful teachers to me. I pride myself on my ability to build a relationship with them and that keeps me moving every day and gets me the necessary drive to do what planning I need to do. We're getting a lot more done than they were with a non-music teacher, AND we ARE having a lot of FUN doing it. Recorder $ is in (well, less than half turned it in, but that was expected and we have reserves) and I'm excited to start doing something more up my alley. Other people cringe at the thought of teaching 20+ 4/5 at a time to play the recorder, but it makes me giddy! I have a long list of things to still do before break ends (posters, cleaning, emails, lesson planning, concert scheduling), but I will feel really good once I feel ready to tackle the second half of the year. Liz and I were just saying how blessed we feel to be learning so much about diversity, culture, and low income in schools and how this will really aide in our upcoming job searches!
What else? Pat and Erin got married. December wedding is not something I would do, but they were perfect for it. It was sort of a magical time to get married, especially after he proposed in December. They've been dating so long (close to 8 years?) and I can't wait for them to start a family. Especially after seeing the joy that it has brought to Dan and Christa! Spending so much time with Morgan throughout the wedding and holidays was such a treat. I'm equally excited for Becky and Rick to start a family together!! He proposed Thursday 12/17/09 and even though we were down from Kristin's passing, I had tears of joy after Becky's "He put a ring on it" picture text! Her voice was trembling with excitement when we called her immediately and I cannot express how estatic I am for her to have found someone who loves her as much as Liz and I do. We knew it was coming, helped pick out the ring for Pete's sake, but it still surprised me how exciting the engagement has been. They are truly a natural couple and therefore I enjoy my time spent with them, equally as my time spent in our triplet trio. Way to fit right in Rick! His parents gave her a free fricken car and she graduated so she's lethally happy right now... :)
It was the longest length of time I've spent in Menomonie, probably since my surgery, over Christmas. It many ways it was really good. I got to spend some quality time with Scott and Shannon, shedding some light on their growing personalities, talents, and interests. I never realized how artistic they are! I gave them some of my charcoal and we shopped at Penco for some supplies and spent an afternoon drawing together. It was really special. The time spent in Menomonie was following a 2 days stint in Chicago/Madison with Josh (which was fun for me-I miss hanging out and laughing like goofy!) so there was some tension knowing that Liz had a lot on her mind (plus, we slid into another car at the gas station filling up before our 4 hours trek up North because it was slippery). I guess I reached a point where I was feeling so alone in being a listener and sympathizer to Liz and broke down trying to quickly express to mom that things needed to be addressed without anyone else hearing me. After seeing that I was in some pain she did promised we would and so through break there were several lengthy conversations, thankfully one with all parties (mom, dad, Liz, and me). I'm feeling a lot better knowing that I'm not the only one who cares about the feelings that Liz has been processing for the past few months (and Becky, who is in better mental health than ever so it was hard to bring her into things more often). It was uncomfortable, but necessary and it's not all over. Liz wrote in her blog about what is happening so you could just read more there, but I just wanted our family to know she wasn't being dramatic and it was important and that message was finally conveyed. I sense that Liz feels a lot better just knowing that and so there is a major sense of relief that follows. Love you Liz-it's going to be alllllllllll better some day soon. I'll continue to be here for you.
I cannot wait for 2010 to say goodbye to 2009. Thinking back on 2009 isn't all negative, but shit, mostly. Starting out with ending my wonderful student teaching placement, a family loss in January, being sick most of my February 5bD tour, not having any luck subbing, borrowing from Becky, going back to Holiday (and DT), having the most difficult job search (mind blow!), moving to Madison only to have a hard start to subbing here, borrowing even more money from Liz, having the crappiest car, Liz having a hard time, Kristin passing, car accident...I think we can end there. On the positive: Lindsay and Nathan's wedding! Morgan's birth! Lots of sega! Lydo and Meg-O's wedding! Tim and Christine's wedding! SAI National Convention. BMB shows!! Finally getting a job! Pat and Erin getting married! Becky and Rick's engagement! Becky's graduation!! Holding Liz's hair back in the Brother's bathroom...priceless.
NY Resolutions:
*Stay positive about the direction my career takes me
*Get caught up on money (standard)
*Lose min. 20 lbs (very standard resolution for me;) ) i.e.-workout/less cheesy taco pizza bites
*Visit friends as much as I expect them to visit me
*Wear jewelry/nice clothes
*Read more
*Send more cards to loved ones!
*Be more health conscious, aside from weight.
*Do not stress about what might be hard the future (wait and see!)
Peace out 2009. I'm gonna party in EC and then never look back unless it's to apply a lesson to a more positive future!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Sable=cursed but sold
Welp, sold the cahhr. I called around a few places to fix the brake line and it would have cost at least $200 so I was frustrated and put it on craigslist as is. A guy called me right away for his daughter and came out last night. He talked us down from $500 to $375, but considering the repairs and tow will be around $300 he is going to end up paying far more than it's worth, which is probably only $50-150. It sucks that it's so crappy and we had to put in over $1000 last year to get it this far, but at least it's gone and I can move on to a new car. I need to find a place that will sell me a car with bad credit and with little or no down payment. We'll see how it goes.
School is going well. I'm starting to get in a groove and the kids are great. I have a few stinkers that I'm sure I'll get figured out sooner than later. We're doing this Leopold Idol thing where every time the class get five or less "talk tallies" for 4 weeks then they're next class gets to be a competition between whoever signs up to sign, dance, play, etc. They are super excited about it and there is already a significan difference in their behavior. Two girls made flyers and put them around the school! haha. Then 3 little black boys stopped in at lunch yesterday to help decorate the L.I. bullitan board instead of having their first recess in the snow! They were so sweet about it.
I enjoy working with the other music teacher, Cindy, although she's really long-winded and teaches a lot more out of the book than she admits. She keeps coming in a seeing my "props" and stuff and I don't know what she really thinks. I'm doing a lot of cool things, thanks to Liz and Owatonna, but it's like people would prefer that we just taught the boring old stuff so that they didn't have to feel guilty. The hispanic classes are very interesting to me. They are respectful and easier to handle, but are so much more excitable that their hyperness and giggling are starting to hold us back. It's more likely a language barrier and nervous reaction to my directions/sillyness. I'm able to email teachers and take care of things right away so it should get better if their teachers help me out a little bit. Recorder orders in the next few weeks...can't wait.
I'm nervous about money, something that I'm sick of feeling. My last paycheck was supposed to be $1300 from subbing, but they took $100 out for union dues, which really ticks me off. What if I wasn't a sub and wouldn't have gotten paid until Jan? They wouldn't have been able to take money from nothing so I called and they are going to call me back (fingers crossed). I got hired on Nov. 19th and the check was for dates through the 15th so I don't think it's fair that they did that. I need every penny. The lady kept saying that it's for the month, because I was hired for the end of Nov. but still, like I said, what if they had nothing to take it out of??? They can take $200 out of Jan. for all I care, but I needed that extra $100 badly. Between rent and bills and paying Liz $200 of what I owe her (the minimum we agreed on and she deserves) I don't have much money left. Even with the money from the Sable I don't know how I'm going to pay for a new car down-payment if they want me to pay more than $150-200. I have no idea. It sucks. I keep saying "next paycheck I'll be fine" and then I just can't keep up. Hopefully in January some truth will come to this...
Dad's in Sauk to pick up a new van so the weekend just got a little more interesting! More later.
School is going well. I'm starting to get in a groove and the kids are great. I have a few stinkers that I'm sure I'll get figured out sooner than later. We're doing this Leopold Idol thing where every time the class get five or less "talk tallies" for 4 weeks then they're next class gets to be a competition between whoever signs up to sign, dance, play, etc. They are super excited about it and there is already a significan difference in their behavior. Two girls made flyers and put them around the school! haha. Then 3 little black boys stopped in at lunch yesterday to help decorate the L.I. bullitan board instead of having their first recess in the snow! They were so sweet about it.
I enjoy working with the other music teacher, Cindy, although she's really long-winded and teaches a lot more out of the book than she admits. She keeps coming in a seeing my "props" and stuff and I don't know what she really thinks. I'm doing a lot of cool things, thanks to Liz and Owatonna, but it's like people would prefer that we just taught the boring old stuff so that they didn't have to feel guilty. The hispanic classes are very interesting to me. They are respectful and easier to handle, but are so much more excitable that their hyperness and giggling are starting to hold us back. It's more likely a language barrier and nervous reaction to my directions/sillyness. I'm able to email teachers and take care of things right away so it should get better if their teachers help me out a little bit. Recorder orders in the next few weeks...can't wait.
I'm nervous about money, something that I'm sick of feeling. My last paycheck was supposed to be $1300 from subbing, but they took $100 out for union dues, which really ticks me off. What if I wasn't a sub and wouldn't have gotten paid until Jan? They wouldn't have been able to take money from nothing so I called and they are going to call me back (fingers crossed). I got hired on Nov. 19th and the check was for dates through the 15th so I don't think it's fair that they did that. I need every penny. The lady kept saying that it's for the month, because I was hired for the end of Nov. but still, like I said, what if they had nothing to take it out of??? They can take $200 out of Jan. for all I care, but I needed that extra $100 badly. Between rent and bills and paying Liz $200 of what I owe her (the minimum we agreed on and she deserves) I don't have much money left. Even with the money from the Sable I don't know how I'm going to pay for a new car down-payment if they want me to pay more than $150-200. I have no idea. It sucks. I keep saying "next paycheck I'll be fine" and then I just can't keep up. Hopefully in January some truth will come to this...
Dad's in Sauk to pick up a new van so the weekend just got a little more interesting! More later.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Finally, teachin' kids.
So I know I went off of more than one major tangent the other day, but will write a much more positive (and informative) post. Monday I interviewed and they told me that they would let me know by the following Monday. Thank god it didn't take that long. I know they had at least one more interview on Tuesday morning, but by that afternoon I had a text from Dasher saying that he had gotten a reference call and gave me a "glowing reference" (love him) and that he thought that I would get the job. I also had a page to call a 608 number, which when I called was the assistant principal. She pretty much said, "Oh yeah, we'd like to offer you the position" and that was it. I accepted right away, but was trying to sort of ask, "what now?". The only answer I got from her was to ask HR and HR just said they'd mail me a packet about everything so...Also they originally entered my start date as Dec. 2nd, but since I am already a district employee and subbing there every day they realized that wasn't fair so it was bumped up immediately to today (Thursday). I have no idea what's going on in terms of benefits, contracts, computer log-in info, phone number, etc. But whatever I need will come so I'm not stressed at all. I got a key to my room from Cindy, the other music teacher, so that's all I really need at this point. I log into the computer as a sub still so I have internet...
Things haven't changed too much yet in terms of the material I'm teaching. I started out not knowing if I was permanent so I was doing generic sub plans and with the way elementary works I just kept doing them through the week so that every class did the same thing. Next week is a short week so I guess I'll just do something Thanksgiving stuff. The following week I really want to start over. I need to learn names, establish rules, and maintain some routines. Lucky for me, most kids are just so excited to have a real music teacher that they already really like me, especially the Hispanic kids. They really took a liking fast and that's surprising considering I don't speak Spanish.
Leopold has a similar socio-economic breakdown to Falk, but it is much larger (about 680 students as opposed to most schools being 300 or so) and has a lower percentage of black students. I think in general it's about 30% white 30% black 30% hispanic and 10% asain. There are whole classes in each grade level that are taught only in Spanish, except for art, music, and phy ed. Interesting. I have a list of common phrases ("sit down") and I'm going to learn as fast as I can. I am already finding myself trying to use it wherever I can. It's cute. And though there is a language barrier, the students are very respectful. In the other classes it can be really hit or miss. It's no worse than Falk and from what time I spent there, it actually seems a little better. My Thursday/Friday classes are notably more difficult (sorry, but also notably more black).
Like I said, the kids are generally all very excited to have me there. One girl said she didn't like me because I called her bluff on her spot on the seating chart, but whatever. Her anger can't be my problem all the time. Lots of kids light up when they come to the door and say things like, "yes!! you're here!" and "Mrs. so and so, I love our music teacher!". It feels SOO good and makes me feel reassured about teaching elementary for the year. I am not planning on teaching here past the year, but there is a lot I can take from it and a lot of fun to be had!
Tomorrow, and possibly over the weekend, I get to spend lots of time making my room MY room and I am in desperate need of some posters. It's hard not to want to do everything Liz's way, but she's so confident and convincing (like I am with band) so I trust that her ideas are solid ideas. I want to start from scratch with kodaly with them, but don't want to make the other teacher feel awkward because she doesn't really address solfege and stuff. So I'd like to throw some hand signs up, some motivational/musical posters, some expectations, etc. But it's going to take some time to put everything together, especially because my handwriting sucks and I'll need to do a lot of print, cut, paste.
So anyways, there's a lot to do, but like I said, I don't feel stressed at all. My head feels more clear than it has in a long time. All of the other teachers have been really nice and coming down just to introduce themselves and so I know I have lots of people to go to, especially if the school isn't going to really give me any directions. It's nice because there aren't sky-high expectations, but there is a lot of excitement to have the position filled so I feel almost like a local celebrity at school (2 months open after 2 years of long-term subs?). One kid who guess that I played tuba because "tuba rocks" said after one day that I'm the best music teacher he ever had. Two reactions to that: SAD and SWEET. Glad to have it a little easy in terms of earning their trust, but disheartened to hear that their school has had a history with not fulfilling their end of the music education portion. Imagine if he had Liz for a day.
I'll write more soon I'm sure, now that I have things to update about...
Things haven't changed too much yet in terms of the material I'm teaching. I started out not knowing if I was permanent so I was doing generic sub plans and with the way elementary works I just kept doing them through the week so that every class did the same thing. Next week is a short week so I guess I'll just do something Thanksgiving stuff. The following week I really want to start over. I need to learn names, establish rules, and maintain some routines. Lucky for me, most kids are just so excited to have a real music teacher that they already really like me, especially the Hispanic kids. They really took a liking fast and that's surprising considering I don't speak Spanish.
Leopold has a similar socio-economic breakdown to Falk, but it is much larger (about 680 students as opposed to most schools being 300 or so) and has a lower percentage of black students. I think in general it's about 30% white 30% black 30% hispanic and 10% asain. There are whole classes in each grade level that are taught only in Spanish, except for art, music, and phy ed. Interesting. I have a list of common phrases ("sit down") and I'm going to learn as fast as I can. I am already finding myself trying to use it wherever I can. It's cute. And though there is a language barrier, the students are very respectful. In the other classes it can be really hit or miss. It's no worse than Falk and from what time I spent there, it actually seems a little better. My Thursday/Friday classes are notably more difficult (sorry, but also notably more black).
Like I said, the kids are generally all very excited to have me there. One girl said she didn't like me because I called her bluff on her spot on the seating chart, but whatever. Her anger can't be my problem all the time. Lots of kids light up when they come to the door and say things like, "yes!! you're here!" and "Mrs. so and so, I love our music teacher!". It feels SOO good and makes me feel reassured about teaching elementary for the year. I am not planning on teaching here past the year, but there is a lot I can take from it and a lot of fun to be had!
Tomorrow, and possibly over the weekend, I get to spend lots of time making my room MY room and I am in desperate need of some posters. It's hard not to want to do everything Liz's way, but she's so confident and convincing (like I am with band) so I trust that her ideas are solid ideas. I want to start from scratch with kodaly with them, but don't want to make the other teacher feel awkward because she doesn't really address solfege and stuff. So I'd like to throw some hand signs up, some motivational/musical posters, some expectations, etc. But it's going to take some time to put everything together, especially because my handwriting sucks and I'll need to do a lot of print, cut, paste.
So anyways, there's a lot to do, but like I said, I don't feel stressed at all. My head feels more clear than it has in a long time. All of the other teachers have been really nice and coming down just to introduce themselves and so I know I have lots of people to go to, especially if the school isn't going to really give me any directions. It's nice because there aren't sky-high expectations, but there is a lot of excitement to have the position filled so I feel almost like a local celebrity at school (2 months open after 2 years of long-term subs?). One kid who guess that I played tuba because "tuba rocks" said after one day that I'm the best music teacher he ever had. Two reactions to that: SAD and SWEET. Glad to have it a little easy in terms of earning their trust, but disheartened to hear that their school has had a history with not fulfilling their end of the music education portion. Imagine if he had Liz for a day.
I'll write more soon I'm sure, now that I have things to update about...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
More later.
After I got a year's worth of frustration and depression (ie. PMS) out yesterday I had a great day. Teachin' bum bum bah...then at the end of the day-the call. I am now the music teacher at Aldo Leopold Elementary school in Madison. I even called Dr. Murphy...
Details later.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Must be PMS
I have cried so much today. Stuff at home, plus I hear that Ellen Melcher isn't doing so well.
I'm sitting here trying to distract myself, or motivate myself to work out or something. Liz was plunking songs out at the piano and now listening to the CD of her concert song "Through the eyes of a child" and I am just overly emotional. It's taking me everything to not walk out and make her stop. But I know it's a beautiful thing. I want to be excited about my concerts. I want to program beautiful music. I want to change kids lives...so I keep crying. It's bittersweet. I'm happy to see her so excited, especially after the rough start to the year. But I'm jealous. Not in a mean way, but my heart is breaking a little. She keeps yelling to come in and sing with her and has no idea I'm not saying no because I'm lazy, but because it hurts.
I'm sitting here trying to distract myself, or motivate myself to work out or something. Liz was plunking songs out at the piano and now listening to the CD of her concert song "Through the eyes of a child" and I am just overly emotional. It's taking me everything to not walk out and make her stop. But I know it's a beautiful thing. I want to be excited about my concerts. I want to program beautiful music. I want to change kids lives...so I keep crying. It's bittersweet. I'm happy to see her so excited, especially after the rough start to the year. But I'm jealous. Not in a mean way, but my heart is breaking a little. She keeps yelling to come in and sing with her and has no idea I'm not saying no because I'm lazy, but because it hurts.
Frustrated?
I don't know why, but since I left my interview this morning I've felt really frustrated. Well, actually since we watched "The Ugly Truth" last night. First off, the movie. It's a chick flick and apparently Gerard Butler or whatever is the new Mathew Mcconaughey or something where the guy is total ass the whole time and doesn't believe in love, blah blah. Then the lovable prude wins his heart. Fucking A. Alright. I love ALL chick flicks and this was not a bad movie. There were a lot of funny parts, but I felt like the whole time the movie was mocking me. Like...oh haha it's hard for beautiful rich people to fall in love and men only care about sex and hot girls and haha isn't that great? It's shitty that this movie on one hand is totally based off of something that is not reality(everyone's is beautiful and well-spoken) AND on the other hand it's shitty that it may actually be THE UGLY TRUTH that even less fortunate people's relationships do follow these formulas. Guys want tits 'n ass, girls decides to get better bra and wins date? Drop 50 lbs and I wouldn't be single? Frustrating, but probably TRUE. I like Katherine Heigel, but...I just felt pretty pissed off last night as I was trying to fall asleep. Like, how does anyone in this F-ing world stand a chance.
SECOND. Education. I worked my damn ASS off (actually it's still there, adding extra frustration from my first point) to be one of the best frickin band directors that I could be. I love it. I live for it. And I'm extremely disappointed that I can't be on the path I deserve to be on. Just typing that made tears pop out of eyes so fast that they hit the screen. I'm pissed. I'm really really pissed. I'm reflective and so a lot of times I try to reason with things. Everything happens for a reason, maybe I could work on this instead, it'll happen soon, etc. But when it comes down to it, I'm just plain old fucking mad. Why does the economy have to blow right now? Why do I have to care so much? Why can't I put my knowledge and passion to good use. My interview went pretty good, but I JUST DON'T KNOW! I'm so fucking sick of that. I feel really screwed either way. They aren't going to tell me until Monday. Thanks. Then your kids will have had 2 months without music essentially. I don't want to have to feel guilty for not being what they want. I want to teach BAND. A good band program. I deserve that. Again I am REALLY PISSED OFF. I've spent all summer and fall "trying to make the best of it" and it's just not FAIR. I guess that's the "ugly truth" about the world of education. The people who give a shit are far and few in between and aren't in any position to help.
You know, you try to take control of the situation and make progress towards your goals either way (subbing, moving to madison, interviewing for Leopold), but it doesn't fill the MAJOR void. I have been distracted more since starting to sub so much that I buried some of these feelings back down and as I drove home from school I just felt everything boiling back up. I just hate having to wonder "why me?" about so many things in my life. Money, love, weight, and the one thing that I REALLY work to control-my success as an educator. F-U world. I hope you young music major are prepared for this shit. Because if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. I didn't expect to land the dream job upon graduation, but I worked hard to at least be an outstanding candidate for all band jobs and should be in one of those positions. NOT subbing. Not teaching elementary music, though if it is where this shithole luck leads me then I will do the very best that I can do (which is frickin good). It's not that secondary is better than elementary that is far from how I feel. It's that it's not what I'm meant to do. Other people, like Liz, are meant to and by the way, we could use more Liz's.
If this school doesn't hire me, then fine. Depending on who else they choose.....their loss. If their better, good, then I only wanted what's best for the kids. If they keep it open longer then they're sending a clear message about how unimportant music is to their school regardless of how many positions they had to fill this year or how bad their luck has been in interviews, etc.
Time to go dry my tears and get some crap done. Sorry.
SECOND. Education. I worked my damn ASS off (actually it's still there, adding extra frustration from my first point) to be one of the best frickin band directors that I could be. I love it. I live for it. And I'm extremely disappointed that I can't be on the path I deserve to be on. Just typing that made tears pop out of eyes so fast that they hit the screen. I'm pissed. I'm really really pissed. I'm reflective and so a lot of times I try to reason with things. Everything happens for a reason, maybe I could work on this instead, it'll happen soon, etc. But when it comes down to it, I'm just plain old fucking mad. Why does the economy have to blow right now? Why do I have to care so much? Why can't I put my knowledge and passion to good use. My interview went pretty good, but I JUST DON'T KNOW! I'm so fucking sick of that. I feel really screwed either way. They aren't going to tell me until Monday. Thanks. Then your kids will have had 2 months without music essentially. I don't want to have to feel guilty for not being what they want. I want to teach BAND. A good band program. I deserve that. Again I am REALLY PISSED OFF. I've spent all summer and fall "trying to make the best of it" and it's just not FAIR. I guess that's the "ugly truth" about the world of education. The people who give a shit are far and few in between and aren't in any position to help.
You know, you try to take control of the situation and make progress towards your goals either way (subbing, moving to madison, interviewing for Leopold), but it doesn't fill the MAJOR void. I have been distracted more since starting to sub so much that I buried some of these feelings back down and as I drove home from school I just felt everything boiling back up. I just hate having to wonder "why me?" about so many things in my life. Money, love, weight, and the one thing that I REALLY work to control-my success as an educator. F-U world. I hope you young music major are prepared for this shit. Because if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. I didn't expect to land the dream job upon graduation, but I worked hard to at least be an outstanding candidate for all band jobs and should be in one of those positions. NOT subbing. Not teaching elementary music, though if it is where this shithole luck leads me then I will do the very best that I can do (which is frickin good). It's not that secondary is better than elementary that is far from how I feel. It's that it's not what I'm meant to do. Other people, like Liz, are meant to and by the way, we could use more Liz's.
If this school doesn't hire me, then fine. Depending on who else they choose.....their loss. If their better, good, then I only wanted what's best for the kids. If they keep it open longer then they're sending a clear message about how unimportant music is to their school regardless of how many positions they had to fill this year or how bad their luck has been in interviews, etc.
Time to go dry my tears and get some crap done. Sorry.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I can show you the world...
Liz and I watched Aladdin last night while drinking with just the two of us. It was really fun. Truly, a new hobby. I realize that I haven't written since before convention and I'm sorry. Every time I get the energy to write, Liz writes a novel that already shares any half meaningful information about my life. Having a blog right now (as opposed to when I was younger), really highlights the fact that my life is going in directions that I never saw coming and is, in general, quite boring.
Convention was fun. We had a bunch of people staying here and I love to play host. It did however get old by the time the last people rolled out Sunday from Halloween. I can't believe how much convention costs when it's really not that impressive. I hope I can be one of the presenters some day. I went to only 2 sessions that I liked and did get to see some awesome concerts so I guess I won't complain. I went to a session on the drumset in big band charts. I was only one of like 15-20 people there and the only EC person. That's sort of disappointing. A lot of times in college (and now) I felt like the only person who wanted to teach secondary that realizes that a good teacher presents all genres of music equally. I am lucky to have strong interests in marching and jazz, but then small groups and other things should be available too. I feel like there aren't as many people graduating from UWEC that want to teach high school band, and those that are coming out aren't taking jazz band seriously. I was always bothered by people that say they want to teach high school and graduate and then get a job and they NEVER joined a jazz band. Especially if you went to UWEC, you are WASTING a major learning experience and REALLY letting your future students down. Rant. that being said, I also went to a session on swinging and such by the Sun Prairie jazz ensemble and I was really impressed, motivated, and driven to be like their band director. I liked how "real" he was with them. He had VERY high expectations, but was fun. Kids will want to meet your expectations if they trust your vision and learn to love challenges. I later watched their wind ensemble and was equally impressed by both the students and director. Knowing that they have a strong marching program, seeing their awesome jazz band, and then hearing their top-notch wind ensemble really reinforces my dreams and ideals that you CAN HAVE IT ALL. Can't wait to teach high school...
HOWEVER, that dream has certainly been derailed for this year hasn't it? I have even more news to share. I was unable to find a secondary band position for this year right? So I figured if I am going to sub, I might as well try a large district to stay busier and gain much needed experience in culture and diversity. It was a GREAT move. I have been staying busy every day, teaching music, and getting paid notably more. ($141 a day!). The only weird part is that I have been teaching mostly elementary and not only that, but the teachers were getting so comfortable having me that they we having me do my own lesson plans half the time. So in the back of my mind I've been sort of thinking, "What's the difference if I'm teaching an elem position or subbing for them every day? At least I'd know where I was going every day and I could learn the kids name, which helps classroom management." Back in early September, Julie Palkowski MMSD fine arts coordinator called me to interview for the .9 position that was open at Leopold. I thought about it and turned it down so that I could leave my schedule open to at least sub and help bands whenever I could. This was before I realized how much elementary music I would be doing. I accepted a sub position as soon as I saw it for Leopold last week because I was curious to see if they ever filled the position and MAYBE if I would like the school and other music teacher enough to call Julie back and see if I could change my mind a month and a half later on the interview.
They have been having a NON-MUSIC teacher there all year. It's mid-November! Now this teacher has also accepted a morning position as reading specialist so they have been hiring different short-term subs every morning and having her in the afternoons. That is just plain ridiculous. Especially because I know they have interviewed lots of people, including Tiller and K-Wood. I feel that having the kids basically not have a music teaching is extremely unfair and the kids deserve someone who will at least advocate for their needs and teach them SOME MUSIC. SO...I called Julie and we set up an interview for Monday morning and I'm already booked to sub there Tuesday-Friday full days. She likes Liz a lot and the fact that they called me before and I didn't even apply, makes me feel confident. Also that I already live here and have been to the school and subbed for some classes after which 2 SEA's went directly to the principal's office and told him to hire me. Knowing that my friends have interviewed and not-gotten it (for NO good reason, it's unknown I guess) makes me a little less confident. So we'll see. I'll update tomorrow after my interview or whenever they call me to let me know. They can't avoid me if I'm going to be IN their school all week.
To sort of backtrack, Halloween was a lot of fun. Had way too much to drink and feel sort of embarassed, but that's me so....whatever. The costumes were really fun and the only person I'm upset about not seeing was Yakkers. Don't act all excited on facebook for weeks and then not make a notable effort to see us dude! Makes us feel pathetic. Speaking of pathetic, I feel really single lately and that is never fun. Even watching Disney movies makes me jealous. I guess I just hoped that since my career wasn't moving in the direction I wanted this year that other aspects of my life just might. Apparently not. It sucks being 24 years old and wondering how many people question your sexuality or your effort or your personality even. I don't think I'm...well,I am picky, but it's subconscious. I just don't meet someone and evaulate their datability. That is starting to change here in Madison I guess though. I'm meeting more people than I am seeing people I already know so I'm finding myself being like, oh they're cute, let's find out what they think about education....then it fails when someone prettier lights up some other part of the room. I want I want I want...please?
Gonna go eat some foooooooooood. It's a nice lazy Saturday for us. Yesterday we only had to work the Badger game and today we NEED to work out, but otherwise it's TLC, chili, and the Biggest Loser Game on king.com. I'll try to write more. Comment to motivate the likelihood.
Convention was fun. We had a bunch of people staying here and I love to play host. It did however get old by the time the last people rolled out Sunday from Halloween. I can't believe how much convention costs when it's really not that impressive. I hope I can be one of the presenters some day. I went to only 2 sessions that I liked and did get to see some awesome concerts so I guess I won't complain. I went to a session on the drumset in big band charts. I was only one of like 15-20 people there and the only EC person. That's sort of disappointing. A lot of times in college (and now) I felt like the only person who wanted to teach secondary that realizes that a good teacher presents all genres of music equally. I am lucky to have strong interests in marching and jazz, but then small groups and other things should be available too. I feel like there aren't as many people graduating from UWEC that want to teach high school band, and those that are coming out aren't taking jazz band seriously. I was always bothered by people that say they want to teach high school and graduate and then get a job and they NEVER joined a jazz band. Especially if you went to UWEC, you are WASTING a major learning experience and REALLY letting your future students down. Rant. that being said, I also went to a session on swinging and such by the Sun Prairie jazz ensemble and I was really impressed, motivated, and driven to be like their band director. I liked how "real" he was with them. He had VERY high expectations, but was fun. Kids will want to meet your expectations if they trust your vision and learn to love challenges. I later watched their wind ensemble and was equally impressed by both the students and director. Knowing that they have a strong marching program, seeing their awesome jazz band, and then hearing their top-notch wind ensemble really reinforces my dreams and ideals that you CAN HAVE IT ALL. Can't wait to teach high school...
HOWEVER, that dream has certainly been derailed for this year hasn't it? I have even more news to share. I was unable to find a secondary band position for this year right? So I figured if I am going to sub, I might as well try a large district to stay busier and gain much needed experience in culture and diversity. It was a GREAT move. I have been staying busy every day, teaching music, and getting paid notably more. ($141 a day!). The only weird part is that I have been teaching mostly elementary and not only that, but the teachers were getting so comfortable having me that they we having me do my own lesson plans half the time. So in the back of my mind I've been sort of thinking, "What's the difference if I'm teaching an elem position or subbing for them every day? At least I'd know where I was going every day and I could learn the kids name, which helps classroom management." Back in early September, Julie Palkowski MMSD fine arts coordinator called me to interview for the .9 position that was open at Leopold. I thought about it and turned it down so that I could leave my schedule open to at least sub and help bands whenever I could. This was before I realized how much elementary music I would be doing. I accepted a sub position as soon as I saw it for Leopold last week because I was curious to see if they ever filled the position and MAYBE if I would like the school and other music teacher enough to call Julie back and see if I could change my mind a month and a half later on the interview.
They have been having a NON-MUSIC teacher there all year. It's mid-November! Now this teacher has also accepted a morning position as reading specialist so they have been hiring different short-term subs every morning and having her in the afternoons. That is just plain ridiculous. Especially because I know they have interviewed lots of people, including Tiller and K-Wood. I feel that having the kids basically not have a music teaching is extremely unfair and the kids deserve someone who will at least advocate for their needs and teach them SOME MUSIC. SO...I called Julie and we set up an interview for Monday morning and I'm already booked to sub there Tuesday-Friday full days. She likes Liz a lot and the fact that they called me before and I didn't even apply, makes me feel confident. Also that I already live here and have been to the school and subbed for some classes after which 2 SEA's went directly to the principal's office and told him to hire me. Knowing that my friends have interviewed and not-gotten it (for NO good reason, it's unknown I guess) makes me a little less confident. So we'll see. I'll update tomorrow after my interview or whenever they call me to let me know. They can't avoid me if I'm going to be IN their school all week.
To sort of backtrack, Halloween was a lot of fun. Had way too much to drink and feel sort of embarassed, but that's me so....whatever. The costumes were really fun and the only person I'm upset about not seeing was Yakkers. Don't act all excited on facebook for weeks and then not make a notable effort to see us dude! Makes us feel pathetic. Speaking of pathetic, I feel really single lately and that is never fun. Even watching Disney movies makes me jealous. I guess I just hoped that since my career wasn't moving in the direction I wanted this year that other aspects of my life just might. Apparently not. It sucks being 24 years old and wondering how many people question your sexuality or your effort or your personality even. I don't think I'm...well,I am picky, but it's subconscious. I just don't meet someone and evaulate their datability. That is starting to change here in Madison I guess though. I'm meeting more people than I am seeing people I already know so I'm finding myself being like, oh they're cute, let's find out what they think about education....then it fails when someone prettier lights up some other part of the room. I want I want I want...please?
Gonna go eat some foooooooooood. It's a nice lazy Saturday for us. Yesterday we only had to work the Badger game and today we NEED to work out, but otherwise it's TLC, chili, and the Biggest Loser Game on king.com. I'll try to write more. Comment to motivate the likelihood.
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